May 20, 2010

My Friend Kelly...

Stevens Ryder from high school is doing a Relay for Life cancer walk in memory of Shirley. Kelly is such a great friend and wonderful person to do this. I think she can relate to my pain because she lost her mom a few years ago. I'm not sure she is coping any better than I am. Please follow the link below and you can donate or just read her story. It's awesome.

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY10PL?px=16065713&pg=personal&fr_id=23787

Also....Nik Noland graduates tonight. I am so proud of him. Mom, Dad, Steve's Parents and Joe and Kelly are meeting us for dinner before the graduation. He is so excited. I have too many emotions going on in one day....grrrrr


Love,

Teresa

May 17, 2010

Another good time...

at bunco. It was a lot of fun. I didn't even play and I had fun. Again, I invited too many people. But I don't mind sitting out and talking to everyone. They might mind it but I don't. Some of mom's work friends and neighbors were there so it was really good to see them again.

It's a busy week. Nik graduates Thursday. It's hard for me to talk about. I remember clearly two years ago how important it was for Shirley to go to Kelsey's graduation. I only had six tickets and I made sure that she was there. Somewhere deep down I knew that Kelsey was the only child of mine that she would see graduate. And it was. What I would give to go back to the time that Shirley and I had babies. It was the very best time of my life.

And then Friday I will go camping with my girls from work. That will distract me and keep me from being sad. It seems that is what I have to do every day...just find something to distract me. And I keep going...

Love,

Teresa

May 14, 2010

A day of Emotions...

Just one of those days. Nik Noland graduates from high school in less than a week. I am sad beyond words that Shirley is not here to celebrate this with me. And yet I am so proud of my son. So happy and sad all at the same time. It's hard to deal with.

Tonight we play bunco at mom's. I think I need to be around some fun ladies.

love,

Teresa

May 11, 2010

Mother's Day


was a beautiful day. I was filled with a lot of emotion. But I have a wonderful family. The picture is of Shirley's grave. Sam and Alex and Tom decorated so beautifully it made me cry. I love visiting her. I know some people have a hard time going there ... but I love it. I feel close to her. I left her the flowers in the back. The daisies...they had glitter on them.

We spent the day with my momma. We had wonderful food and everyone was there. My sisters and sister-in-laws are great mommas.

I had been doing really good emotionally but this week has been a struggle. So back to really working hard at fixing that.

My son Nik graduates in a little over a week. That doesn't help emotionally. My daughter Kelsey made a comment that I think is completely appropriate. Life is an emotional rollercoaster. She is so right.

I love you Paige, Angie, and Kristi. Thank you so much for visiting her.

I swear the second we pulled into that cemetery Toby Keith's song came on "I'm going to miss you my friend". I love you Shirley for letting me know you are there.

Her grave is absolutely beautiful and I promise until the day I die that it will always be that way.

I spent the weekend with Shirley's Alex. He will never know how much he means to me. He is my connection to Shirley.

My momma made Mother's Day perfect. She is a wonderful mother. I can never express to her how much she helps me through these difficult times. Her hugs and love are what I need more than anything.

Thank you all for listening to me. I love you all. And thank you for all of your support.

And of course my bad dog is one of my kids so his big wet kiss was a great present!!!!

Love, Teresa

May 03, 2010

A new picture of the bad dog...


for those of you who have not seen it on facebook. Of course it is worth sharing twice. He is hilarious.

Not much to update. I'm sad this week. Knowing that mother's day is coming and Shirley is not here for the second year with her kids. And that my mom has to spend it without one of her kids for the second year. It's just not fair.

But we should all be together for the most part. Mom and dad are having a cookout on Sunday. I am excited for that.

Have a great week.

Love,
Teresa

April 29, 2010

Ernie Harwell

http://thanasis.com/ernie/

The above is a link to read a story about Ernie Harwell. A Sports Announcer who has bile duct cancer. He is nearing the end of his life. This tribute is to him. Walter Payton...Chicago Bears football player also had this cancer. It's odd...I am sure Shirley never thought she would share this connection with these two men. I'm sure she never knew either one of them. But being a sports fan...I do.

Anyway, Ernie Harwell lived a long, good life. That is the one difference between Shirley and him. I wish she could have lived to his age.

Love,

Teresa

April 28, 2010

I'm going to miss that smile....I'm going to miss you my friend :(

April 26, 2010

Friday was difficult...

but I made it through the day. It was 15 months that Shirley passed away on Friday. And it being on a Friday made it worse. Kathy and I were talking today about how much we hate the 23rd and then we both said that we even really don't like Fridays anymore. Shirley died on a Friday.

But Friday night I got to go to dinner with my girlfriends who I am going on a float trip with in July. That was a lot of fun. Nothing better than good food, good friends and some good margaritas.

Mom told me on Saturday that Her and Cindy got a new wind chime for Shirley's tree. I can't wait to get out and see it.

Love,

Teresa

April 22, 2010

Staying positive...

and happy. I am working really hard at remembering good times and happy things and I think it is working. I am not sure that I knew grieving was actually work. You have to work every second of every day to make sure that it does not consume your life. There are times that I fail but most of the time I am succeeding.

Tomorrow night I am having dinner with my float trip girls. I am really excited about that. I have a countdown on my computer that says it is 98 days away. Still excited. And just a chance to have dinner with all of them will be great.

I have started to get back outside with the bad dog. He needs to be completely retrained. He insists on sniffing every single blade of grass that another dog has been on. So we will walk or run down the middle of the road until we are retrained. He is awesome and I adore him.

I will now enjoy my Chinese delivery....mmmmm!!!!!

Teresa

April 20, 2010

Haven't felt very well....

allergies. Causing horrible headaches. I'm ready for everything to quit blooming. And when I stay home from work...I get so far behind. So that stress is added on to the headaches. I know I am definitely not the only one. I hear everyone dealing with the same thing.

I just planned by Nik's graduation party. Unbelievable to me. I taught that little boy to ride a bike, to hit a baseball and whatever other things that he needed to learn. I was his stay at home mommy and I loved it. He takes after me when it comes to being the biggest animal lovers in the world. A very soft heart. And now he is a man. And his momma does not like it. (well there are days)....

Shirley got to go to Kelsey's graduation. And only because I knew that she would not live to see another one of my children graduate. She was in so much pain sitting there but had a smile on her face the whole time. God I miss her.

We have two graduates this year so grandma and grandpa will have to split up. They of course are on the exact same date. Grrrrr....

By the way...bad dog laid in bed all day with me yesterday. I'm not sure he even wanted to get up and go potty when I told him to. I had to go with him. He did not want to leave my side. Some day I have to quit calling him bad dog....he's such a good dog.

O.K. back to work. I love my friends and family and I hope you all know that.

Love,

Teresa

April 16, 2010

I thought I would share...

We all remember Miss Val... one of Shirley's dearest co-workers and friends and one of the sweetest ladies I will ever meet in my life. She has a very strong faith in God and she helped Shirley through some of her roughest times. She prayed with Shirley and I a couple of times and it was so wonderful.

She sent me this email this morning and I thought I would share it with all of you who loved Shirley as much as Val did:


Teresa,

Just wanted to share this devotion. I lost my dearest and closet sister-in-law on Easter morning. Her death was totally unexpected and is hitting our family hard. But I know that God will bring peace and healing. My love for God and for Shirley has brought me so much peace. I think of Shirley daily and I know if she were here she would tell me to trust and have faith in God that he will give me strength to get through this. She has left such an impact in my life that I just wanted you know that. You and the family are always in my thoughts and prayers. Hope everyone is doing fine and that this devotion touches your heart and spirit.

God Bless
Valerie

Please pray for Val and her family. My heart breaks for her.

I said I would never want to go any counseling....



Well too late. I realized last night at dinner that maybe that is why I look forward to my dinners with my girlfriends once a month. They care so much and try to talk to me and help me with my hard times. They are so concerned for me and I can see that in their faces when they are talking to me. I love them. I want them to know that. Teresa, Kelly, Denise, Linda...I love you guys. You were a gift to me after Shirley died. I will never ever be able to express how much they mean to me. How much they help me. I feel bad that we always end our dinner in tears. But they truly understand and they truly help me. Again....thank you so much:) I look at it as they do not have to change their life or schedules around just for me. But they do. God has a place for them. They are such good people.

It was an awesome night. One of Shirley's good friends Laura showed up with her daughter. So nice to see her again.

I am hoping for a more relaxing weekend. Cooler weather. Hope to get the bad dog out running. We both could use it. But there is mud out there right now and not looking for bad dog muddy feet...grrrrr....

I love you ....and you all know who you are. I am glad Aunt Carolyn made it home safe. I love you Tracy.

Love,

Teresa

April 12, 2010

Bad Dog....



got groomed. And he is very proud of himself. No more hobbit feet.

Crazy Weekend

It's been a few days since I have written on here...but yet so much has happened. Life is busy and crazy all of the time.

Friday night was my baby Jake's 17th birthday. He got to go to the Royal's game. And had the best time. Steve took him to that and they had so much fun. Perfect game and perfect weather. Great dad and son bonding time.

And then Saturday we had everyone in the world over to my house for his birthday. It felt that way. We grilled out hamburgers and hot dogs. Aunt Carolyn is still in town so she came with mom and dad and grandma. I was impressed with how long Grandma made it. She sat there will all of us and listened to our stories and laughed. It was wonderful for me to have my family around me. Poor mom has been the taxi driver all week and I think when they take Aunt Carolyn to the airport today...she may go home and pass out. They run so much while she is here that they are exhausted when the visit is over.

I spent yesterday shopping with mom, Aunt Carolyn and Grandma in Weston. Didn't buy anything but the weather and the time with them was priceless. I wouldn't have missed it for anything.

When I left yesterday...I went to see my Shirley. Even with all the craziness....you stop and look around and realize that she is missing. The sadness creeps in. Alex stayed with me overnight so I did get to enjoy him. But I'm so sad. She would have loved weekends like this. And this is the second birthday she missed of Jake's. Time just seems to speed by.

My boss is back today from a 2 week vacation...not fun. But I hope that all of you have a great day.

Love,

Teresa

April 08, 2010

Lunch Buddies....


Love these ladies... I appreciate them taking the time to have lunch with me.

And you can see how great Granny is doing:)

Grandma is home...

and the day is looking great. I will be having lunch with Mom, Aunt Carolyn, Kathy and hopefully Cindy. That will just make my day awesome.

Tomorrow my baby Jakie turns 17. That will make me sad:( I just hate it. I want my little kiddos back. Steve is taking him to a Royals game - just the two of them for the first time ever. Yay!!! And Saturday we will be having his family birthday party. Grilling out some burgers and dogs. I am really excited. I love doing that stuff with my family. Bad dog will be nice and groomed and looking his best for the family. He is excited as well.

Only a couple of more days without my boss. I am kind of ready for him to come back.

Spring is here. It's absolutely gorgeous outside and definitely brings your spirits up. I love you all and have a wonderful day!!!!

Love,

Teresa

April 07, 2010

Grandma is doing better...

My granny is doing much better. She may actually get to go home today. It's all a matter of getting her medication straightened out and the right people taking care of her. I went to visit her before work today and I'm so glad I did. She looked wonderful.

I also got to see my Aunt Carolyn. I know that my mother appreciates her help when she comes to town. I am sure that once they get Grandma settled back into her apartment...they will be off to the fabric stores. They are fun.

It's hard sometimes to be in a hospital now. So many things bring back flashbacks and bad memories. It can be very depressing. And the saddest part about it is that I would give anything to go back and let that be Shirley there and us taking care of her. I know that's not the right thing...but I would still want it.

It's such a beautiful day outside. I hope some of you get to enjoy it.

Love,

Teresa

April 05, 2010

Miscellaneous







Easter weekend was nice. The only bad thing is my granny is back in the hospital. She seemed to be doing much better yesterday so let's pray that she gets better and gets back to her home.

We colored eggs. Even bad dog with his hobbit feet got to color egg. I think it turned out pretty good!!!
Steve and I went out and visited Shirley. These are pictures are of her tree and her flowers. It's beautiful out there.

Kathy's food was delicious! Family time was great. Just what we needed. Of course exhausted coming back to work on Monday but that's the way it goes.
Hope it was wonderful for all of you.
Love,

Teresa

April 01, 2010

Another Holiday

without our Shirley. We will be spending Easter Sunday at Kathy's house. My kids are getting so much older now that it's really not the same. They still asked me last night if we are coloring eggs...of course we are. We always will. And the Easter Bunny will come...

I think I have decided that it is so beautiful outside that I will be taking the night off and taking the bad dog to the dog park...can't wait!!!!

Love,

Teresa

March 31, 2010

Beliefs

We all have different beliefs when it comes to everything in our lives. Religion, politics, raising children...and dealing with grief. Personally, I do not believe in going to a grief counselor. I do not believe in medicating yourself to numb the pain you are feeling. Grief counselors know how to help you deal with your grief...but I don't believe in sitting down and trying to tell a complete stranger what has just happened to you in your life and expect them to understand the depth of your pain and the traumatic experiences you have been through. There is no way they could comprehend how close you were to that person. So to me it is all generic advice...and 99% of the time they would love to give you a prescription and send you on your way.

So for myself I deal with it the best I can. In my own way. Not everyone is happy about that decision. And I understand that. But it's the way I am going to do it.

It may affect other people in my life. It may not be fair the way that I have changed because of what has happened. But as we have all learned...life is not fair. Nothing in life is fair. So if things happen that are not fair... Shirley getting cancer was not fair. Me having to lose Shirley was not fair.

Bottom line...Nothing is fair anymore.

March 29, 2010

Complicated...

I don't think that, unless you have experienced it, how much somebody so close to you dying can affect your entire life. And I am speaking for me personally. I know that other people also in my family experienced this, but please let me say that I am only talking about me right now.

I did not only experience Shirley dying. I experienced her being told she was going to die, I watched her struggle with her treatments and pray with her that they would work, I watched the doctor tell her that there were no more treatments and she would die...and then I watched her die. Right in front of me. I woke up...and her lifeless body was right in front of me staring at me.

So the point of my blog today is that this has affected me in more ways than just being "sad Shirley is gone" or "sad I don't have my best friend".

Trying to deal with the rest of your life from that point on is very complicated. I'm sure anyone reading this and who has deal with that knows exactly what I am talking about. And then you have people who are stronger and can deal with it better. Much better than I can.

So please, if you love me, please understand that if I do things that are unexplainable or you just don't know why I would do them...it all goes back to that. I am not the same person. I'm not the person before Shirley...I am the person after Shirley.

Love,

Teresa

March 24, 2010

I had Chinese Food...

twice yesterday. And it was delicious. I had dinner with my girlfriends last night. And again...they let me just sit there and go on and on about our girl Shirley and cry and they sit there and listen. They are wonderful friends. Wonderful People!!! And my girlfriend Teresa put lavender flowers on Shirley's grave...it was 14 months ago yesterday that Shirley passed away. Teresa also said that she told Shirley she was taking care of me the best she could...she's doing a great job. I feel bad when I tell people that no matter how many friends and family that I do have (which are a lot), there are a lot of times I feel completely alone. I do know it would be much worse without everyone.

Update on the very bad dog...he needs his entire body shaved. He is a big furball and starting to shed. He has hobbit feet which are very cute...but time to get shaved. I think he may get a day of beauty this weekend. Not shaved...but at least a really good trim and brush. Ridiculous.

Love,

Teresa

March 22, 2010

Really Good Weekend...

with the family. Of course we had all of the snow. And the Jayhawks lost. But you can have all of that happen and still have a great weekend with my family. Saturday afternoon we went over to my mom and dad's house to watch my Jayhawks lose, we ate delicious food, played cards (the women won), and watched K-State win. I will admit that I was happy for my K-State family members. If my team can't win...at least maybe theirs can. Also West Virginia beat up on the Missouri boys so that helped out a lot.

Saturday night playing cards was absolutely the best time I have had in a little while. After the cards...we sat around and talked for a couple of hours and just laughed about so many old stories. That never gets old for me. Trust me...you learn something new every single time. It was mom, dad, Tom, Cindy, Bea, Timmy, Steve and I. The kids sit around and listen and learn about our past. Not sure that's all good.

The boys had a great week with mom and dad on spring break. They love it there so much. And I appreciate them being the best grandparents that my kids could ever ask for.

I got to see Alice in Wonderland...great movie.

Now...two very stressful days....boss leaves town on Wednesday and I have to have every thing done before then...so late hours at the office.

I love you,

Teresa

P.S. Happy Birthday to my niece Crystal....love her!!!!!! I will never, ever forget watching Cindy go through her pregnancy. The first one I can remember...and waiting at school all day waiting for the news that she had been born. It was awesome.

March 18, 2010

An Email From Cindy...

and it's also Miss Cindy's birthday today. I love her and she is a great support for me. Sometimes she just knows what I need. I think she has had her own experiences to know how to help people. I love you Cindy!

Anyway, she sent this email and I thought it was completely appropriate and I loved it. I hope you do too:


One day a woman's husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of their bedroom, the wife was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't "anymore". No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more "just one minute." Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, say"I love you."

So while we have it, it's best we love it, care for it, fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick. This is true for marriage.....And old cars... And children with bad habits and report cards, and dogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

Some things we keep -- like a best friend who moved away or a sister-in-law after divorce. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what.

Life is important, like people we know who are special.. And so, we keep them close!

I received this from someone who thought I was a 'keeper'! Then I sent it to the people I think of in the same way.... Now it's your turn to send this to all those people who are "keepers" in your life, including the person who sent it, if you feel that way. Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know you love them?

I was thinking....I could die today, tomorrow or next week, and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that needed rekindling or three words needing to be said.

Let every one of your friends know you love them.. Even if you think they don't love you back, you would be amazed at what those three little words and a smile can do. And just in case I'm gone tomorrow.

I LOVE YA!!!

Live today because tomorrow is not promised.

March 16, 2010

Roller Coaster...

that's the only way to describe life. And the funny thing is I have always loved roller coasters. Not so much anymore. Too many ups and downs.

Right we are up. Life is pretty good right now. No anniversaries right now...no activities going on that Shirley should be here for. Although I did buy a couple of pairs of boots that I would love her opinion on.

Work is going good. As much as I complain, I do love some of these people I work with. So it makes the day more enjoyable.

I know good weather is right around the corner. I am super excited about that. Ready to get the yard and house in order.

I FINALLY GOT MY SHIRLEY BRACELET. I think the lady felt so bad that it took so long that I only ordered 10 bracelets but she sent me 20. So if anyone is in need of one...feel free to ask me for one. I am happy to pass them out and get the word out as much as possible. I think I have a lifetime supply. But I do feel better wearing my bracelet right next to my Shirley tattoo.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day. I know it's yucky and cold and rainy outside but it's going to be a good day:)

Love,

Teresa

March 15, 2010

Great Weekend!!!!

Bunco was a hit. It was so much fun. I have such a wonderful group of co-workers and friends and family.

Saturday we got together at Tom and Cindy's and watched K.U. beat K-State. Everyone was a really good sport and they provided awesome food. Great family time. Got to meet Brandon's girlfriend. How cute are they!!!!!

I have to say it was one of the most relaxing weekends I have had in a long time. And it helped tremendously. I was actually looking forward to going to work today.

I have figured out that one thing does make Teresa happy. New perfume. Don't ask me what it's called but I got some and just smelling it makes me happy. Weird!!!!

Oh and bad dog makes me happy. I love him. Last night I was watching t.v. and he was sleeping next to me on the floor and I looked down and somehow he got a chicken mcnugget. It was laying between his hobbit feet. It was his friend. He didn't even want to eat it. He is crazy. I love him.

And I love everyone of you.

Love,

Teresa

March 12, 2010

A Poem...


Our Hearts Are Broken Forever

Shirley our hearts are broken forever,
People tell us that in time the pieces will eventually come back together,

f this is true, though hard to believe now, there will always be a space,
The piece to which has your name on its place.

Tears have been falling now for so long,
When we think of your beautiful face it all seems so wrong

You had so much to look forward to and so much left to do
But God needed somebody in heaven who is as special as you.

Nothing is the same now and we doubt it ever will be
You have been released from pain and suffering, you have been set free.

Your story has touched people, all ages, near and afar
On the night you were taken from us, in the sky was a lone twinkling star.

Was that you to tell us that you had reached home now?
And from life as we knew it, it was time for you to take your final bow.

We miss your voice, your infectious laugh and the love you bring,
Life you loved and now you have new accessories a pair of Angel’s wings.

The world has lost a wonderful girl, a true and amazing friend.
But maybe her goodness was needed to help and from heaven she needed to send.

Shirley you are always around us, engulfing us with your love
Giving us strength, keeping us close and watching over us from above

The weekend is here....

and I could not be happier. I really need this week to just be over. I am so looking forward to the weekend. We have bunco tonight which is awesome. It seems like forever since we have played. Trying to improve my mood and my attitude. Hopefully this weekend will help.

I definitely need to be more positive on here. I know that affects people and how they are dealing with their grief. And I don't want to stand in their way of healing just because I am having a hard time.

I can't wait to go out to mom and dad's tonight and sit and laugh and have a really good time.

Have a wonderful weekend friends:)

Love,

Teresa

March 11, 2010

A Repeat Post...

from last year. It just kind of describes what happened two years ago on March 11th. Up until that day we knew Shirley was sick, we knew she had some type of cancer...but we could never imagine what we were going to be told that afternoon.

This morning on my drive to work...I could not help but picture Shirley next to me and when a song came on the radio she would just burst out singing...without knowing the words of course, because she never knew the words. And I would just give her my look and she would start laughing. It's the little things I miss the most.

So here is my post from last year....


This started on a Monday, March 10th. Actually before that. The previous week, I believe it was the previous Thursday, Shirley had a PET Scan at K.U. Medical Center. Mom, Kathy and I all went with Shirley. That next Monday Shirley got a call from her doctor saying that she needed to be seen the next afternoon. That's when I got the call from Shirley. Mom was sick and couldn't go, dad was going and would I go with her. I remember calling my husband and telling him that I had a really bad feeling about this. No way do doctors call you that quick to come in. But no matter what it was, we would take care of it. Almost all cancers have treatment, even a cure. Shirley had not been really sick, no weight loss. This had all come on so fast. So certainly we had caught it early.

I went to work on Tuesday morning a nervous wreck. I remember not getting much done and talking to co-workers and they were all assuring me that it would be fine. So I really had convinced myself of that. I left work I believe it was around 1:00...early afternoon anyway. And it really was a beautiful day. I got to KU Medwest early, about a half hour before Shirley and dad. I remember standing out on the sidewalk overlooking the highway thinking...how is this going to turn out? I also remember trying to put on my happy face and not show my fear to Shirley when she got there. Then they pulled upin dad's truck. Shirley had a nervous smile on her face. I hugged her so tight and assured her once again that everything was going to be fine. And she shook her head and agreed with me.

Looking back, I also realize how strong dad was trying to be. For his two daughters. So we went in. We were talking and laughing as usual. Pretending this was just any other appointment, when all 3 of us had this horrible feeling of dread. We sat in that waiting room forever it seemed. But they had just squeezed us in that day so we had to wait. And then the door opened, and in came this "not so nice" doctor. Shirley was sitting on the exam table, I was sitting in a chair next to her holding her hand and dad was on the other side of her. The doctor made some small talk, asking Shirley how she was feeling. And then I will never forget the serious look that came over this doctor's face. She told Shirley that she had the results from her tests and that they did not look good. They believed that she had this cancer on her liver but that was not the primary tumor. They were sure that it had origjnated in the bile duct (first time I have ever heard those words...bile duct). This cancer had spread. They found cancer in her rib, her hip bone, her spine and her lymph nodes. I remember after her saying this...I looked up at Shirley and she was starting to cry. I stood up and hugged her and dad was hugging her saying it's o.k. let's just listen to how we treat it. So we calmed down a bit and the doctor went on to say that this cancer was very advanced and that they did have chemo but it was considered only "palliative"...to help Shirley live longer and to keep her pain to a minimum. Also the first time I had heard palliative. Shirley was sobbing now and she looked at me and I will never forget as long as I live what she said. She said "It's in my bones. That will hurt and I can't take pain. You know I can't take pain". I promised her she would not be in pain. That they would do everything they could to keep her out of pain. The crying was uncontrollable really from this point on.

I do know at that point we started panicing. My poor dad. I remember standing there and hugging Shirley and my dad hugging us both. I am sure he had no idea how to comfort his daughter who was just told she was going to die. And it would be soon. The doctor sat down with Shirley and told her the chemo options that she had, and they all sounded awful. They do not even have treatment for bile duct cancer. They would be treating it as if it was Pancreatic cancer. She also told Shirley she should definitely get a second opinion. She told Shirley that she needed to get some x-rays of her bones to see how bad it was. At that point, the visit was coming to an end. The doctor looked at Shirley and asked her if she had any other questions. She did. Just one. "How long do I have" she asked. And the doctor said a year or maybe a year and a half. We all broke down again. We were in shock. The nurse came in and took Shirley down to x-ray while dad and I followed. Shirley went in to get her x-rays and left dad and I in the waiting room. I'm not sure either one of us knew what to do. Dad was comforting me and I was so glad he was there. We made a few phone calls. And then it was time to go home. I hugged her and cried some more. And then I left.

I got in my car and realized what had just happened. I called Kathy. I told her what the doctor had said and then I distinctly remember telling Kathy that Shirley was going to die. We were going to lose Shirley to this cancer. The rest of the night was spent talking to my children and husband. Playing in my head over and over what had just happened. I sat at my kitchen table and talked to people on the phone letting them know what we had heard. Telling them the most devastating news. People were in shock. I cried for 3 days straight I think. I now know what it feels like to actually be "in shock". I made up a photo album the next day of all of my pictures I had of Shirley. I think I was in mourning already. I knew she would die. I learned so much in that visit. I learned that if you are really sick, and that if you are really going to die, you will know just by looking at that doctor's face. Shirley really disliked that doctor but who can blame her. Who likes the person who has to give you that kind of news. Ironically, we did not see that doctor again until Shirley was admitted into K.U. in December. She was one of the doctors there seeing patients. I remember feeling sad Shirley had to see her again. Shirley didn't really care at that point. I still wonder if that doctor remembered us? Really, do any of the doctors remember Shirley? One day she was their patient and the next she wasn't. She was just gone.

So now ... a year later I can look back. I realize how sheltered my life was. How safe it was. How lucky I was. My family had always been safe and healthy and happy. I had my best friend with me for 40 years. And I didn't even realize it. A huge slap in the face. In a blink of an eye, it had all changed.

So today, I will cry. I will be sad that Shirley had to hear that awful news a year ago today. She never deserved to be told anything like that. To be that sad. I have never felt so helpless in my life when she was being told that news. There was not enough comfort in the world for her.

Pray for Shirley's family and friends today. Remember how much you loved her and how special she was. And I thank God for the time I had with her. And pray that I will be with her again soon.

Love,

Teresa

March 09, 2010

Another day...

but a better day. Today I am having lunch with Kathy. We haven't done that for awhile.

Friday is bunco. So a couple of fun things to look forward to this week. Hopefully it will make the week better.

It's rainy and gloomy...yuck. Makes me want to just stay in bed.

Love,

Teresa

March 08, 2010

Right now it's really hard...

and I am just ready for it to get better. It was a weekend full of tears. I am just on the verge of crying at all times right now. Not much fun to be around. I tried Saturday night going with my mother, Vicki, Bea and Cindy to a play in Leavenworth. We were celebrating Vicki's retirement. Which is something to definitely celebrate. But the entire way out to my parents all I could think about is that this is something Shirley should be doing with us. So it was hard to even get into a good mood. The restaurant we went to...the last time I had eaten there...Shirley was still alive.

I don't know what to say to people when they ask what's wrong...or how can they make it better. They can't. And 99% of the time there is always only one thing wrong. Shirley's not here. Thursday will mark the 2 year anniversary that Dad and I went to the doctor with Shirley and they told her what she had and what would be happening. Other than the day Shirley passed away...that was the worst day of my life.

So I am going to try to make it through another day....another day without her. And I am going to keep trying to figure out how we are just supposed to keep waiting for it to get easier. Because it's not.

Love,

Teresa

March 05, 2010

I Swear Mom I Do Not Mean to Make you Cry....



but this poem is beautiful. Before I post it, I want everyone to know that one important thing I learned while Shirley was dying that we had a lot of people tell us to tell her it was o.k. to go. To just let go. I was never o.k. with saying that. And I am not sure I have ever told anyone this....but I would tell Shirley that I knew she was going to go to heaven, but I was not o.k. with it. I knew I didn't have a choice and that God was going to take her. But I would never, ever tell her it was o.k. to go. I still wanted her with me. So fight as long as she could. I knew that it was not up to me when she left us...it was up to God.

So a blog I read this morning had this poem on it from a mother to her little boy and this is really for my mother. And remember mom...we all need a good cry. So here we go:


I told him that he was not going to get the same speech his sister had gotten. It was NOT okay for him to quit fighting and it was NOT okay for him to go to Heaven and rest. I told him that I needed him to fight to stay with us.

If before you were born, I could have gone to Heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you.

If God had told me, "this soul will one day need extra care and needs", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "that one day this soul may make my heart bleed", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul would make me question the depth of my faith", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul would make tears flow from my eyes that would overflow a river", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "our time spent together here on earth could be short", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul may one day make me witness overbearing suffering", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "all that you know to be normal would drastically change", I still would have chosen you...

Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you...

Autho​r Unknown

Sorry so sad. But still so true.

Love,

Teresa

March 04, 2010

The Jayhawks beat the Wildcats!!!!!!



This picture is of my adorable 20 year old daughter. She is standing in front of the herbs they grow at her school.

K.U. #1 in the Big 12 once again. Yay!!!!!!! I really, really needed that. Isn't that sad how much sports can mean to somebody. But it does. Especially college basketball. I love it.

The weather seems to be turning nicer. Let's hope that trend continues. Bad dog needs to get outside and run. He's getting a little chunky.

This weekend I will be going out with Mom, Cindy, Bea and Vicki to see a local play of Footloose in Leavenworth. We will be celebrating Vicki's retirement. Nothing better to celebrate than that.

And next week we have bunco again finally!!!!! I also heard some good news taht my Aunt Carolyn will be coming to town in April. Mom is super excited about that. As we all are. I wish Tracy could find time to come with her. I would love to see her and spend some time with her.

Have a wonderful day good friends and good family:)

Love,

Teresa

March 03, 2010

Rock Chalk Jayhawk

O.K. So if one thing can district me....it's the Jayhawks playing the Wildcats. Shirley never liked sports very much and she just could not understand my fascination with college basketball. I would always tease her and call her and ask her if she was watching the game. She would just laugh and say no. It was actually a rhetorical question but she always answered. That was a very endearing quality about her.

Tonight is a huge game for both teams. I hope that the Jayhawks loss on Saturday will have them ready for tonight. If not...there will be tears for a different reason tonight. I have my Jayhawk vest and scarf on that my girl Kelly bought for me. I am ready. I just need to get the alcohol. That will help me through it.

For those who do not understand this rivalry and how important it is....just wish me luck.

ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK!!!!!

Love,

Teresa

March 02, 2010

Thought for the day....

My son Nik, who is 18, wants to be just like his grandpa. You are used to hearing that from your boys when they are little. But Nik is still that way. He worships the ground his grandpa walks on. For Christmas he got boots like his grandpa. He has a Carhart Jacket because grandpa has one. He told me last night that he wants a vest like grandpa. He said he saw it at Cavender's.

I actually love it. My dad deserves to be looked up to. He is a great guy. And my kids adore him. Both of my boys favorite thing to do is to call up Alex and talk grandma and grandpa into letting them stay the weekend. They can play games with grandma and do any work that grandpa needs done. And he calls Miss Kelsey Snowflake. He always has and she just loves that. It makes her giggle. When we got home from Kelsey's birthday party she asked me if I heard grandpa sing Snowflake instead of Kelsey when we sang happy birthday to her. I told her yes.

That gives me a really good feeling. They are great parents and have turned out to be awesome grandparents to my children.

Those were just some thoughts going through my head last night.

Have a great day!!!

Love, Teresa

March 01, 2010

Kelsey's part was a hit...

thanks to my wonderful family. I think it was the biggest turn out yet!!! And we were all crowded in so everyone had to talk to everyone. You couldn't break into little groups. I love that. The pizza was delicious. Pizza Shoppe did a really good job.

Kelsey made out like a bandit. She has enough gift cards to just go buy anything she wants. She was soooo happy. Her best friend Amanda got to come over and spend the night. After getting the kids home and tucked into bed, Steve, Timmy, Tommy, Cindy and I all went to have a beer to relax from the week. That was fun. And then it was IHOP after that. Teresa needed some good family time.

We even started planning our Hawaii trip in 2 years. As fast as time goes, it will be here before we know it!!!!

And Kelsey got her #1 gift she wanted more than anything. Don't laugh....it was a VCR. Don't even ask how hard that was to find. But we did it. She was so happy.

Steve and I spent yesterday cleaning out her room and getting it all organized for her. She's definitely worth it. A wonderful little girl.

Steve and I got to spend Saturday evening babysitting Joe and Kelly's kids. They were absolutely awesome. It's a little sentimental for Steve and I. We miss our little kids. And these three are so much like ours it's ridiculous.

So overall...a great weekend. A really great weekend. God knows when you need a pick me up...and he gave me one. I am ready to face the next week ahead of me. Life is really good and I love my family and friends more than anything in the world.

And I love my really BAD DOG!!!!

Love,

Teresa

February 26, 2010

New picture...


Nik and the bad dog. How cute are they. Bad Dog looks so prestigous. grrrr.... I love him!!!! Oh and I love Nik too:)
Tonight....is a much needed night for family. It's been a couple of weeks. And I think pretty much everyone will be at Kelsey's birthday party. It should be a good one. My girl turns 20 tomorrow. Ridiculous.
It should be a great weekend. I hope it is for all of my friends and family. I love you.
Teresa

February 25, 2010

I missed dinner with my friends:(

It's the first one (and the last one) I have missed since these lovely ladies asked me to dinner...almost a year ago. But Teresa is on the mend. Feeling much better today.

Tomorrow I will get to see the family...Kelsey's big birthday party!!!! Crazy girl. She's so excited.

Trying to get out of this funk I am in. Today is much better. The weekend is coming so it has to get better...

Love,

Teresa

February 24, 2010

Fevers....

can make you crazy. Well...and so can a little depression. I stayed home from work yesterday running a low fever. I actually made it in to work today...late but I made it.

Yesterday was not a good day anyway. I probably would have sat at my desk in tears. It was 13 months since Shirley passed away and 2 year anniversary since my grandpa passed away. I remember thinking that grandpa had lived a nice full wonderful life. And he deserved his place in heaven. And he probably felt it was his time to go so that we could put all of our focus on Shirley since we had just found out she was sick. We knew it was cancer...just not what kind yet. I can remember sitting at my grandfather's funeral next to Shirley and we held hands the entire time. We cried together. And I don't know what we were crying more for...the loss of my grandfather, my heartbroken mother, or how scared we were on what might be ahead of us for Shirley. I thought about that last night...Shirley and I held hands a lot. I can remember one time walking around Worlds of Fun together (my 30th birthday) and I told her people were going to think we were lesbians. We laughed so hard at that.

I was also thinking about how when we are little we play "pretend". We pretend to be grown ups, or we pretend to play house, it's something we are taught very young. And then we spend the rest of our lives "pretending". We "pretend" that life is o.k. when it's really not. But that's what people want to see. And we don't want to disappoint people or make them sad. So even if we are sad, depressed and just do not like life the way it is without the people we have lost .... we "pretend" we do.

Today I am not "pretending". I am sad, I don't feel well and now I don't get to go to dinner with my wonderful friends because I have been sick. So today...I'm unhappy.

Tomorrow...is another day:) Good thing!!!!

Love,

Teresa

February 22, 2010

Monday Morning...

and it's the same thing every Monday. I get on the internet and check all of the cancer patients blogs that I read. I read them all week but I normally do not read them on the weekend. So I'm always catching up on Monday. There are about 10 that I read. Several of them have the same type of cancer Shirley had but many of them have different types of cancers. And they are people of all different ages. I'm not sure why I do that. I know that I miss taking care of Shirley. I worried every single day for so long what I could do to make her feel better or what she needed...maybe that is why I read them. There are so many people out there doing that every day. My time of doing that is over. I would have done that for 100 more years if I could have. And my heart just breaks for these people. I pray for them and hope for a better outcome than what we had. Some of them I know won't get that.

I still have not gotten my new Shirley bracelet. I ordered it a while back and I know that this organization is small and run by volunteers. I'm trying to be patient...but it is hard.

My mom was still sick Saturday so we did not get to play cards. Hopefully we can reschedule that in a couple of weeks. We ended up at Joe and Kelly's and had a great time over there. Kelly and I got some girl talk in which is always good.

I will get to have dinner with my girlfriends this week. That always makes Teresa have a better week. And Saturday...well....it will be an emotional day for me. Just like every year on this day. My girl turns 20. Kelsey Ann's birthday is Saturday!!!! Friday night we are all going out for pizza to celebrate. She is sooo excited. The great thing about having Kelsey is every year it's like having a little kid's birthday. She is so much fun.

The bad dog...needs groomed. The snow and ice gets into his hair between his little toes and he is just gnawing at it.

Tomorrow....well by now you all know I hate the 23rd. For as long as I live, I will hate that day. But I am hoping for a great week. For me and for all of you!!!!

Love,

Teresa

February 19, 2010

Sometimes...

you hear something and it just sticks with you. And you love it. And this may be a repeat for anyone who also reads me on facebook.

Watching Private Practice last night a phrase was used that a little girl said her dad was her "anyway friend". No matter what happens, what bad things you do, what stupid things you do...or mistakes you make....they love you anyway.

Guess who my anyway friend was....

I'm sad this week. I'm sad my momma is sick. I'm sad Shirley is gone. It's just a sad week. But tomorrow I will see my mom and dad and other family and play cards and laugh and have a good time.

Bad dog may have to have his name changed. He is my lover. I could not love him anymore than I do. The best hugs I get are from him. I can't wait for the weather to change and take him out.

Have a wonderful weekend. The snow is coming again on Sunday!!!!

Love,

Teresa

February 17, 2010

Really tired lately...

I'm sure it's from trying to recover from vacation and get back into the swing of things. It's hard. Life seems to be coming together. I have noticed lately that I enjoy coming to work more than I was.

One thing I have not been able to do is to really comfort other people. I think I am starting to get past that part. I am able to deal with my own grief enough that I can actually feel other people's pain.

I feel bad that I have not been there for my family like they have been for me. But I hope I can change that now.

All the things you read about are right. There are so many stages you go through and I guess I am just going through another one.

I'm not sleeping at night and I am feeling very worn down. But good things are happening too.

Love,

Teresa

P.S. Bad dog is the best medicine for anything that bothers you!!!!

February 15, 2010

New Phone...

for Valentine's day. Unfortunately...I lost all of my contacts:( I hate that.

It's a new touch phone and the reason I bring that up is because one of the last things I remember that just absolutely amazed me about my girl Shirley was when we finally were in hospice house, she would be allowed to push her pain pump every 5 minutes. Those first two nights I swear she would set her alarm for every 5 minutes so she could push it. I was amazed she could still do that. I offered to do it for her but she felt too bad keeping me up. I can't figure this phone out for nothing...but she was amazing at technological stuff like that.

She definitely was an amazing person.

I had Alex at my house all weekend. Makes my life happier when I have him. I got to get him valentine's candy and a card and I know Shirley would be happy with me for doing that. I love him and Sam so much.

Have a wonderful day.

Love,

Teresa

February 10, 2010

It is easy when you leave town...

to just forget the bad things that have happened to you. There are so many reminders that surround me every second of every day that Shirley is not here anymore. When I was in Mexico...I didn't have that. And I hate to say it was a relief..but emotionally it was. I could push the sadness away for just a little bit.

Now that I am back...the sleepless nights have started up again. Realizing that I am crying and I don't even know when it started...and finding myself just sitting staring into space thinking back to how much fun we had and how much I miss her friendship. That's really what I wanted to come out in my blog today. I miss her friendship. The one person I was the most comfortable with and could tell anything to. That's what I miss. She loved Teresa for Teresa...she knew me better than anyone and loved me anyway. I know a lot of people in my life say that they feel that way about me as well...and I appreciate it. But I knew 100% there was no judgment no matter what I did or how I acted. There was always undertstanding.

People have asked me what would Shirley think of me getting this tattoo. And what keeps coming to my mind is that I did not get it for her. I got it for me. Of course she would not want me to get a tattoo ... especially with her name. But she would understand why I did it. And if the situation was different...somebody else close to me had died and I did it with their name...she would think it was awesome. She may not have always approved of everything I did...but she always understood that it was me...and that made me feel good.

O.K. enough crybabying for today. I am going to dinner with my girlfriends tonight. I love that.

Have a great day and be careful in the cold...it's freezing!!!

Love,

Teresa

February 09, 2010

I am a girl....


but I don't like girlie pampering stuff. While we were in Mexico we got a massage, a manicure, a pedicure and a facial. Most women I think like this stuff. Not me. But it did come with the all inclusive package. So I did it. But do I look happy? Especially with my brother taking my picture...grrrr...
The funny thing is I couldn't help but think that this would be Shirley's absolutely favorite part of the trip. Every year on her birthday she would get a massage. She loved them. But I will be honest...I might be a wimp...because it hurt.
It was Bea's favorite part of the trip. She loved it. And I think the other women loved it too. It was just me.
I'm trying to get back into my routine. I didn't sleep good last night. She was on my mind all night.
I have gotten a lot of compliments on my tattoo. :)
Planning dinner with the girlfriends this week...I am excited. I always look foward to that.
It's cold...be careful.
Love,
Teresa


February 08, 2010

Some Pictures...






Here are a few pictures from our trip. The top one is a picture of us doing a shot of Tequila in honor of our girl Shirley. She was on my mind several times there. I couldn't help but think about what her and I would be doing together there. We took so many trips together it is just weird for her not to be there. But a great family helps you through the rough times. And they definitely did. They were so much fun.
We spent yesterday at mom and dad's for the superbowl. Laughing at the stories and pictures from the trip. Nothing like relaxing at your parents house for the day.
Life is just flying by me. Not sure if I like it or not.
Love,
Teresa

February 05, 2010

Gross....I'm back.

I knew it would go that fast too. So I really do not know why I am disappointed.
So much to tell. It was absolutely paradise. Unfortunately I took mostly video...but I did have a few pictures to put on here. The temperature was always around 80 to 85, all but about 2 days were sunny and gorgeous. The view from our window was ocean and palm trees. Free food and drinks around the clock. I realized that I definitely broke my habit of diet coke everyday..it's now beer and margaritas. Not sure that my job will approve that.
Our activites included jet skis, parasailing, submarine ride, swimming with dolphins...you name it we did it. The rooms had jacuzzis in all of them. I actually wore sun dresses and sandals for the first time in my life. And I loved it.
My favorite thing I did...get a tattoo!!!! Here is the picture:


And yes,....it's real. So in my own little way...I made sure Shirley was part of our trip. And I can't tell you how many times I have been asked..."Who is Shirley?" And that's why I did it. The other best part is I got to get a tattoo with Tommy and Cindy...awesome! Talk about bonding!!!! Here are theirs:



The first one is Cindy's and she got the cancer ribbon and the colors indicate different cancers that have affected her mother, her sister and Shirley. Tommy's is a rose with Cindy, Crystal and Brandon's name on it.
We did do a tequila shot in Shirley's name. She did love the tequila.
So, yes I am back. I missed my kids and I definitely missed the bad dog. He hasn't left my side since I got home. I don't want to leave him ever again!!!
I hope everyone is well. I missed writing on here and I appreciate the notes while I was gone.
Weigh in on the tattoo if you like...I love it!!!
Love,
Teresa

January 26, 2010

On My Way....

to Mexico. Tomorrow morning we leave ... and I can't wait. I don't think I have ever been so ready in my entire life to get out of town. I know it has a lot to do with the cold weather, but also working two jobs and just general stress.

The last two years have just really been hard and there are so many reminders everywhere on all of the sadness and heartache. It's just time for a break. I am glad that my family (some of them) will be with me. I have never taken a vacation for 8 days so that is also awesome!!!

So for now...goodbye!!! I will take lots of pictures and videos and maybe I will learn how to put a video on here.

I love you!!!! Back on the 3rd!!!

Love,

Teresa

January 25, 2010

One Year Has Passed...

and we survived. We survived because of our family. We met out at the grave on Saturday around 4:00. We took down the decorations from her tree and put some new flowers down. At first we cried....we hugged and cried. And then we started to tell stories...the way we do. And we laughed and it felt good. I made the comment that on the very saddest day of my life....at the end of the day I felt good. I love my family. My parents, my brothers and sisters (that includes my sister-in-laws...I consider them my sisters). They are comforting despite their own grief. What would I do without them.

Now for a few weird signs....I decided to stop at JC Penney's on my way home. And I run into one of Shirley's very dear friends Paige. She is also a golden retriever owner so we also have that little bond. But I know Shirley wanted me to see her. I haven't seen her since Shirley passed away and they were so dear to Shirley's heart.

And then...a little Christmas tree that we had put on Shirley's grave that had lights on it that were supposed to be solar powered...none of us had ever seen them work. I had driven by at night to see and no...they weren't on. Dad had tried to work with them. As Steve and I are walking out of JC Penney's...in the back of his truck...the Christmas tree is blinking the brightest lights you have ever seen. And they blinked all of the way home. I just couldn't help but smile. Thank you Shirley:)

Kathy called later to tell me that they saw Diane White at Ladies Night Out Saturday night. One of Shirley's very favorite things to do. So that was nice.

Overall...an emotionally draining weekend. And very busy weekend. We leave Wednesday on our Mexico trip. I don't think I have ever been more ready for a vacation in my life. I need to get away from everything!!!

My bad dog is giving me the guilty sad eyes....He knows I am leaving him. I think I will miss him more than my own children...maybe I shouldn't have said that out loud.

Have a great day:)

Love,

Teresa

January 22, 2010

2 Posts...

from the past. These are two emails that I received after Shirley passed. The first one is from Aunt Connie and the second is from my Uncle Dan....just thought I would share...


Happy little angels layed down their harps one day,
As word arrived that Sister was coming up to stay.
All the little angels and all the big ones too,
Remembered how they watched on earth, things that Sisters do.
Many a little angel had tales he could tell,
Of the many little hurts that Sister somehow made all well!
And Sister's lips were smiling and her eyes were full of mirth---
For she knew she'd be as happy in Heaven as on Earth!

As some of you know, we've been monitoring our (Carolyn's) neice's deteriorating condition as she battled bile duct cancer which is deadly. Her sister Teresa maintained an award winning blog to keep all informed. On Friday 1-23 about 9 months after being diagnosed, Shirley crossed the great divide into the arms of the Savior. We left Sunday 1-25 at 6am to join the family to say our goodbyes to this once bubbly freckel-faced red headed beauty whose life was sadly cut short at 42 by the thief known as cancer. It was impressive to see how many lives she had touched. At the funeral home on Mon night, the line was long as people filed past the family without pause for 2 hours. Back at the house the air was filled with smells of food, and sounds of laughter over stories recalled. The family bond was strong. The following day saw the gathering of some of the same as well as new folk at the country church on Hwy 7 where it passes between Lansing and Bonner Springs (Kansas) in a rural kind of way. Tears were not in short supply as we listened to Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton sing 'When I Get Where I'm Going' and Elvis' rendition of 'Peace in the Valley'. Funny stories about our girl. A moving tribute from her brother. And then the trip to the cemetery. Roughly 50 cars. They don't use flags on the cars there. Everyone turns on their 4 way flashers. Funeral escorts and local police stop traffic at the stop lights. No cars passed us as we were on the southbound side of this 4 lane divided stretch of highway. But when we turned onto Parallel Rd, a 4 lane undivided road I was touched by how everyone in the on coming lanes pulled over and stopped till we passed by. I vaguely remember seeing that kind of respect as a kid. If you did that here today you'd either get honked at or hit! At the gravesite we huddled as close as possible around the tiny tent as the wind took the meager 10 degrees and transformed them into far less. The final words were short and we shivered our goodbyes touching the bronze ornate box one more time. Back to the church for a very nice lunch with family and friends. Later that afternoon back at the house (Debbie & Tom's-Shirleys parents-Carolyn's sister) family gathered and once again the air was filled with aromas and laughter recalling good times and memories which are the treasures of life and we were sure Shirley was listening in.

It's been a few days...







but it is physically difficult to even get out of bed. No matter how hard I am trying to fight off these feelings I am having...it's not working. I feel like I am reliving last year all over again. And it happens without me even thinking about it. It's truly a physical thing my body is doing. It's so weird for me because I have never experienced anything like this in my life. I know that a year ago I woke up on a sofa in the hospice house facing my sister...my best friend...who was no longer alive. It's like I am dreading that tomorrow I will wake up and see it again. But I won't. I know that. But I did and it hurts so bad.
How is it that you can be so grateful for the people in your life and love and be loved by so many people...and still have such a huge void in your heart. I feel selfish and ungrateful. But I want her.

I am 99% sure that I will spend tomorrow in bed. I just want tomorrow to go away. I don't want to even acknowledge that day. Yes...Shirley got to go to heaven and her pain went away...but my sister went away. And my pain did not go away.

I will be so happy the day we leave for Mexico. I need a change of scenery and I will be with my brothers and sister in laws who mean so much to me. They will help me. They always do.
Please take time tomorrow to think of a really good memory of Shirley that makes you smile or even laugh out loud. She could make you do that so easily.
Love,

Teresa

January 19, 2010


Waiting...

on my new bracelet. I feel so lost without my Shirley bracelet. I normally am adjusting or playing with it during the day all day. It makes me think about her. I hope it comes soon.

I have made the mistake of reading my posts again from a year ago. Praying for Shirley to just be out of pain. And it just wasn't happening. She held on for so long. She was so strong. Just as she was her whole life. She endured a lot in the short life that she had. But with a smile .... the best smile in the world.

I am lunching with Kathy today. I have no doubt it will be emotional. I know that my family is feeling what I am feeling. I think I have pretty much decided that Saturday I will go visit her and then I will just go back to bed. It's not a day I want to remember. I don't like that day at all.

Grief sucks!!!

Love,

Teresa

January 18, 2010

Shopping...

and more shopping and more shopping. That's all I have been doing lately. And I love it. Getting ready for Mexico. Had a great day with Mom and Cindy on Saturday.

Not much went on this weekend. It's the complete opposite of what I was doing last year at this time. This was our last week with Shirley one year ago. I'm trying to just stay occupied and not let my mind go there. Which is impossible.

Bad Dog's vet visit got postponed until this coming Saturday. The lump does seem to be shrinking. He is healthy as can be. I have no doubt that he is perfectly fine!!! Which is good. Because I am madly in love with him and he has to be with me for a very long time. I do not know how I am going to survive without him for 8 days.

Glad the snow is done....for now!!!!

Love,

Teresa

January 15, 2010

Confessions of a crybaby...

Tears come easily for me. I tend to cry more the older I get, but all tears are not created equal.

Ther​e's the mommy crying that gushes out when the kids are sleeping and I think about how sweet they are, how they're growing up, and how I can't stop it.

There's the I-haven't-d​ealt-with-m​y-issues crying, where I bust out during a Hallmark commercial, or the mad tears that come when I can't articulate what's really bothering me. I also tend to cry when I'm embarrassed.​

I've got artsy tears when I'm moved by someone's creativity, empathy tears when I hear of someone's hard time, and sometimes I have the crazy tears that come for no reason at all.

Perhap​s the most meaningful tears are ones that show up because of another person's kindness toward me, especially when I've done nothing to deserve it. I try to pay attention to those.

I admit I got this from another blog. But I felt very strongly that this was meant for me. It's 100% how I feel. And I am sure as you read this you will feel the same way.

This weekend will bring more shopping for my trip. I hope this weekend will bring happiness to all of my family and friends. And feel free to cry all of the tears you want to. We need to learn to be thank ful for them.

Love,

Teresa

January 14, 2010

Yoga...

In the words of the Degriefing program creator, Lyn Prashant, "we never get over our grief -- we only change our relationship to it. Grief is a normal human reaction not just to death, but to loss. What we must do is find a way to relate to it."

There was an article I read today how yoga may help some people with their grief. It was very interesting but I found that quote to just really be true.

Today is absolutely no easier than the day Shirley left. You just have to decide how you will react or deal with it on a daily basis. And sometimes you have no control over that.

Last night I had dinner with my girlfriends. They are adorable. I love them. Facebook has also helped me reconnect with some people from high school. I even found some old class photos of Shirley when she was a very little girl. She was adorable.

Mexico is creeping up quickly. I think I am going shopping with my momma on Saturday. She can help me pick out some cute sandals:)

Love,

Teresa

January 13, 2010

So....here he is



That's it...the bad dog...with his frozen squirrel toy. Grrrrr...he needs a spanking.

The last few days have been rough. And I know not just for me. My heart hurts for my brothers and my sisters and my parents, my kids, Shirley's kids. It's just such a hard time right now.

But my brother Tommy called me yesterday and just gave me some wonderful news. I don't want to go into detail...but let's just say we know that Shirley is very happy and she is with us every second of every day. He has no idea that he called me at a time yesterday when I needed to hear that more than ever. When I was young I would never have known how lucky I was going to be. But I am. My brothers and sisters are the best. And I am sure you all know how much I love my mom and dad. Right when I need them the most they are there!!!!

I want to leave it at that today.

Love,

Teresa

January 12, 2010

Sad Today:(

You will grieve my loss, but I have not gone. My body is beyond your reach, but my soul is touching yours. I am the one who enters your dreams. Caresses your face Hugs you. Misses you. I have not left, my spirit is with yours. I am all around you when you call. I am the gentle breeze when there is no wind. I am in the photo on the wall when you blink in disbelief. I am the song that enters your head for no reason, yet it reminds you. Don't grieve that I am gone. I am with you, beside you, in you. I will be forever.

I cried on the way to work today. Again. I would say I don't know why...but I do. I need her.

Love,

Teresa

January 11, 2010

So we went swimsuit shopping...

and it was a lot of fun. Buying that stuff makes it seem real. And my body is starting to really shut down at work so...I think it knows it's time. I actually asked Steve this morning if I could take the bad dog with me to Mexico and he said yes. I am so tempted. But it would probably traumatize him too bad:(

Not much else went on. We saw some movies. Did some shopping.

I haven't been able to get out to see Shirley since Christmas. I don't like that. I'm not sure I could find her under all the snow:( The anniversary is coming up. I am dreading it. I am glad it's on a Saturday so I can just spend it alone. I wish she was going to Mexico with me.

I hope I also get to see my girlfriends from high school this week. Not sure about that one yet.

Love,

Teresa

January 08, 2010

Dog Toys...

So if you see me on face book...you will already know this awful story. And of course it's about the Bad Dog!!!!

Last week the boys called me at work and told me that they saw bad dog playing in the backyard and once again he was throwing something up in the yard and catching it. He would pounce on it and just was having a great time. Nik decided to go out and take a picture .... the biggest dead squirrel I have ever seen. Disgusting. So naturally I tell Nik to get rid of it so that bad dog will not continue to play with it. Do teenage boys listen to their mothers...NO!!! He thought it was cute and didn't want to take it away from him.

So I get home last night and I ask the boys why my kitchen blinds which face the backyard are all open? They start laughing and tell me because they wanted to watch the dog play with the squirrel. Are you kidding me????

As the night goes on...I am sitting at the computer and there is a scratch at my door. When I open the door...what do I see...Bad Dog standing there with his new play toy in his mouth. Ready to bring it in my house!!! NOOOO!

I immediately shut the door and tell my husband to get a bag and get rid of this squirrel immediately. So bad dog went back out and was digging looking for his toy...kind of sad...NOT!!!

More snow...more cold...BRRRR!!!!

Be careful!!!!

Love,

Teresa

January 07, 2010

Sometimes my life...

is just boring. I worry that I type on here and you guys are like...Uh...not interested. But guess what...I don't care. I'm just going to keep writing anyway. Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

But, as I have mentioned many times...I read a lot of other people's blogs. It keeps life in perspective. You realize that so many people are going through so many bad things every day. And sometimes not bad...sometiimes horrible and unimaginable. We lost Shirley at 42 years old. Some people are losing their children when they are very young.

So today I do not have much to write about but I did read this on a blog this morning and I wanted to share it with you. It is something this lady read in a book:

In the book she talks about how a turkey and an eagle react to the threat of a storm in different ways. A turkey reacts by running under the barn, hoping the storm won’t come near. On the other hand, an eagle leaves the security of its nest and spreads its wings to ride the air currents of the approaching storm, knowing they will carry it higher in the sky than it could soar on its own.

This lady talks about how she is reacting like a turkey with her son's illness. God is supposed to help you react like an Eagle...to have faith and put your worries and trust in him. But when you are dealing with a horrible illness...it's so hard. I think it is only after it is all over that you can actually rely on your faith. To get you through.

Today I am trying to just be happy with all of my loved ones being healthy. Well..that is except that bad dog. I am reacting like an eagle with him. I have complete faith that he is perfectly fine.

I am sure you would all agree if you would have seen the display he put on in my livingroom last night.

As I was sitting on my chair in front of my fire under my blanket ... trying to watch the KU Basketball game...he decided he did not want me to have a blanket. So he proceeds to come over and rip my blanket off of me. And when I would take it back and put it back on...he would come over and take it back off. This went on for a good half hour and finally I gave up. He took my blanket and laid on it in front of the t.v. Grrrrrr....Bad Dog!!!!

There were 50 other blankets in that livingroom he could have had.

Have a wonderful day!!! Be careful in the snow!

Love,

Teresa

January 06, 2010

It's hard...

to read back on the posts from a year ago at this time. Things were happening so fast. I knew what was coming...but I wouldn't let myself think about it. I would just stay focused on what needed to be done for Shirley. And yet...there was nothing that could be done.

There is just a constant sick feeling in my stomach every day. It's so hard to be that person that everyone expects you to be....happy. Teresa is not happy. I try. I really do.

For now...it's too hard knowing what my Shirley was going through last year. And it's even harder because she isn't here. I hate it. I hate it every single day.

Love,

Teresa

Tracy...your picture is beautiful. Thank you for sending that to me!

January 04, 2010

Update on Bad Dog...

well...there really isn't any. He still has a lump. It doesn't really feel that different to me. But he has a great appetite and plenty of energy. So I really don't know what to do at this point. I think we will finish the medicine up this week and maybe go back in next week. Hmmmm...frustrating.

He definitely has figured out that he is taking medicine. 2 pills in the morning and one at night. We have tried cheese, bread, beef, peanut butter...you name it. Even marshmallows. He eats everything and spits the pills out. Grrrrr.... So his momma is holding his big mouth open and throwing them down his throat. He coughs for a little bit...and then we are done.

:) Teresa