New picture...

Nik and the bad dog. How cute are they. Bad Dog looks so prestigous. grrrr.... I love him!!!! Oh and I love Nik too:)

Tonight....is a much needed night for family. It's been a couple of weeks. And I think pretty much everyone will be at Kelsey's birthday party. It should be a good one. My girl turns 20 tomorrow. Ridiculous.

It should be a great weekend. I hope it is for all of my friends and family. I love you.

Teresa

I missed dinner with my friends:(

It's the first one (and the last one) I have missed since these lovely ladies asked me to dinner...almost a year ago. But Teresa is on the mend. Feeling much better today.

Tomorrow I will get to see the family...Kelsey's big birthday party!!!! Crazy girl. She's so excited.

Trying to get out of this funk I am in. Today is much better. The weekend is coming so it has to get better...

Love,

Teresa

Fevers....

can make you crazy. Well...and so can a little depression. I stayed home from work yesterday running a low fever. I actually made it in to work today...late but I made it.

Yesterday was not a good day anyway. I probably would have sat at my desk in tears. It was 13 months since Shirley passed away and 2 year anniversary since my grandpa passed away. I remember thinking that grandpa had lived a nice full wonderful life. And he deserved his place in heaven. And he probably felt it was his time to go so that we could put all of our focus on Shirley since we had just found out she was sick. We knew it was cancer...just not what kind yet. I can remember sitting at my grandfather's funeral next to Shirley and we held hands the entire time. We cried together. And I don't know what we were crying more for...the loss of my grandfather, my heartbroken mother, or how scared we were on what might be ahead of us for Shirley. I thought about that last night...Shirley and I held hands a lot. I can remember one time walking around Worlds of Fun together (my 30th birthday) and I told her people were going to think we were lesbians. We laughed so hard at that.

I was also thinking about how when we are little we play "pretend". We pretend to be grown ups, or we pretend to play house, it's something we are taught very young. And then we spend the rest of our lives "pretending". We "pretend" that life is o.k. when it's really not. But that's what people want to see. And we don't want to disappoint people or make them sad. So even if we are sad, depressed and just do not like life the way it is without the people we have lost .... we "pretend" we do.

Today I am not "pretending". I am sad, I don't feel well and now I don't get to go to dinner with my wonderful friends because I have been sick. So today...I'm unhappy.

Tomorrow...is another day:) Good thing!!!!

Love,

Teresa

Monday Morning...

and it's the same thing every Monday. I get on the internet and check all of the cancer patients blogs that I read. I read them all week but I normally do not read them on the weekend. So I'm always catching up on Monday. There are about 10 that I read. Several of them have the same type of cancer Shirley had but many of them have different types of cancers. And they are people of all different ages. I'm not sure why I do that. I know that I miss taking care of Shirley. I worried every single day for so long what I could do to make her feel better or what she needed...maybe that is why I read them. There are so many people out there doing that every day. My time of doing that is over. I would have done that for 100 more years if I could have. And my heart just breaks for these people. I pray for them and hope for a better outcome than what we had. Some of them I know won't get that.

I still have not gotten my new Shirley bracelet. I ordered it a while back and I know that this organization is small and run by volunteers. I'm trying to be patient...but it is hard.

My mom was still sick Saturday so we did not get to play cards. Hopefully we can reschedule that in a couple of weeks. We ended up at Joe and Kelly's and had a great time over there. Kelly and I got some girl talk in which is always good.

I will get to have dinner with my girlfriends this week. That always makes Teresa have a better week. And Saturday...well....it will be an emotional day for me. Just like every year on this day. My girl turns 20. Kelsey Ann's birthday is Saturday!!!! Friday night we are all going out for pizza to celebrate. She is sooo excited. The great thing about having Kelsey is every year it's like having a little kid's birthday. She is so much fun.

The bad dog...needs groomed. The snow and ice gets into his hair between his little toes and he is just gnawing at it.

Tomorrow....well by now you all know I hate the 23rd. For as long as I live, I will hate that day. But I am hoping for a great week. For me and for all of you!!!!

Love,

Teresa

Sometimes...

you hear something and it just sticks with you. And you love it. And this may be a repeat for anyone who also reads me on facebook.

Watching Private Practice last night a phrase was used that a little girl said her dad was her "anyway friend". No matter what happens, what bad things you do, what stupid things you do...or mistakes you make....they love you anyway.

Guess who my anyway friend was....

I'm sad this week. I'm sad my momma is sick. I'm sad Shirley is gone. It's just a sad week. But tomorrow I will see my mom and dad and other family and play cards and laugh and have a good time.

Bad dog may have to have his name changed. He is my lover. I could not love him anymore than I do. The best hugs I get are from him. I can't wait for the weather to change and take him out.

Have a wonderful weekend. The snow is coming again on Sunday!!!!

Love,

Teresa

I miss this so much...

Really tired lately...

I'm sure it's from trying to recover from vacation and get back into the swing of things. It's hard. Life seems to be coming together. I have noticed lately that I enjoy coming to work more than I was.

One thing I have not been able to do is to really comfort other people. I think I am starting to get past that part. I am able to deal with my own grief enough that I can actually feel other people's pain.

I feel bad that I have not been there for my family like they have been for me. But I hope I can change that now.

All the things you read about are right. There are so many stages you go through and I guess I am just going through another one.

I'm not sleeping at night and I am feeling very worn down. But good things are happening too.

Love,

Teresa

P.S. Bad dog is the best medicine for anything that bothers you!!!!

New Phone...

for Valentine's day. Unfortunately...I lost all of my contacts:( I hate that.

It's a new touch phone and the reason I bring that up is because one of the last things I remember that just absolutely amazed me about my girl Shirley was when we finally were in hospice house, she would be allowed to push her pain pump every 5 minutes. Those first two nights I swear she would set her alarm for every 5 minutes so she could push it. I was amazed she could still do that. I offered to do it for her but she felt too bad keeping me up. I can't figure this phone out for nothing...but she was amazing at technological stuff like that.

She definitely was an amazing person.

I had Alex at my house all weekend. Makes my life happier when I have him. I got to get him valentine's candy and a card and I know Shirley would be happy with me for doing that. I love him and Sam so much.

Have a wonderful day.

Love,

Teresa

It is easy when you leave town...

to just forget the bad things that have happened to you. There are so many reminders that surround me every second of every day that Shirley is not here anymore. When I was in Mexico...I didn't have that. And I hate to say it was a relief..but emotionally it was. I could push the sadness away for just a little bit.

Now that I am back...the sleepless nights have started up again. Realizing that I am crying and I don't even know when it started...and finding myself just sitting staring into space thinking back to how much fun we had and how much I miss her friendship. That's really what I wanted to come out in my blog today. I miss her friendship. The one person I was the most comfortable with and could tell anything to. That's what I miss. She loved Teresa for Teresa...she knew me better than anyone and loved me anyway. I know a lot of people in my life say that they feel that way about me as well...and I appreciate it. But I knew 100% there was no judgment no matter what I did or how I acted. There was always undertstanding.

People have asked me what would Shirley think of me getting this tattoo. And what keeps coming to my mind is that I did not get it for her. I got it for me. Of course she would not want me to get a tattoo ... especially with her name. But she would understand why I did it. And if the situation was different...somebody else close to me had died and I did it with their name...she would think it was awesome. She may not have always approved of everything I did...but she always understood that it was me...and that made me feel good.

O.K. enough crybabying for today. I am going to dinner with my girlfriends tonight. I love that.

Have a great day and be careful in the cold...it's freezing!!!

Love,

Teresa

I am a girl....

but I don't like girlie pampering stuff. While we were in Mexico we got a massage, a manicure, a pedicure and a facial. Most women I think like this stuff. Not me. But it did come with the all inclusive package. So I did it. But do I look happy? Especially with my brother taking my picture...grrrr...

The funny thing is I couldn't help but think that this would be Shirley's absolutely favorite part of the trip. Every year on her birthday she would get a massage. She loved them. But I will be honest...I might be a wimp...because it hurt.

It was Bea's favorite part of the trip. She loved it. And I think the other women loved it too. It was just me.

I'm trying to get back into my routine. I didn't sleep good last night. She was on my mind all night.

I have gotten a lot of compliments on my tattoo. :)

Planning dinner with the girlfriends this week...I am excited. I always look foward to that.

It's cold...be careful.

Love,

Teresa

Some Pictures...

Here are a few pictures from our trip. The top one is a picture of us doing a shot of Tequila in honor of our girl Shirley. She was on my mind several times there. I couldn't help but think about what her and I would be doing together there. We took so many trips together it is just weird for her not to be there. But a great family helps you through the rough times. And they definitely did. They were so much fun.

We spent yesterday at mom and dad's for the superbowl. Laughing at the stories and pictures from the trip. Nothing like relaxing at your parents house for the day.

Life is just flying by me. Not sure if I like it or not.

Love,

Teresa

Gross....I'm back.

I knew it would go that fast too. So I really do not know why I am disappointed.

So much to tell. It was absolutely paradise. Unfortunately I took mostly video...but I did have a few pictures to put on here. The temperature was always around 80 to 85, all but about 2 days were sunny and gorgeous. The view from our window was ocean and palm trees. Free food and drinks around the clock. I realized that I definitely broke my habit of diet coke everyday..it's now beer and margaritas. Not sure that my job will approve that.

Our activites included jet skis, parasailing, submarine ride, swimming with dolphins...you name it we did it. The rooms had jacuzzis in all of them. I actually wore sun dresses and sandals for the first time in my life. And I loved it.

My favorite thing I did...get a tattoo!!!! Here is the picture:

And yes,....it's real. So in my own little way...I made sure Shirley was part of our trip. And I can't tell you how many times I have been asked..."Who is Shirley?" And that's why I did it. The other best part is I got to get a tattoo with Tommy and Cindy...awesome! Talk about bonding!!!! Here are theirs:

The first one is Cindy's and she got the cancer ribbon and the colors indicate different cancers that have affected her mother, her sister and Shirley. Tommy's is a rose with Cindy, Crystal and Brandon's name on it.

We did do a tequila shot in Shirley's name. She did love the tequila.

So, yes I am back. I missed my kids and I definitely missed the bad dog. He hasn't left my side since I got home. I don't want to leave him ever again!!!

I hope everyone is well. I missed writing on here and I appreciate the notes while I was gone.

Weigh in on the tattoo if you like...I love it!!!

Love,

Teresa