May 29, 2009

Another Weekend

It's amazing how fast time goes. The weekend is here again. No big plans this weekend...but it may be the only one for awhile. Jake starts baseball on Monday and every game is a double header. Next weekend Tear and Guy will be here ...yea!!!! Not sure who is all coming with them but we are excited. The weekend after that is the big party for Dad!!! I'm sure he thinks time goes by pretty fast too...turning 70.

Was supposed to have lunch with Kathy today, but she ditched me. Her new job is keeping her pretty busy.

I wish Shirley was here...

Have a good weekend.

Teresa

May 27, 2009

Some pictures from the weekend.



Memorial Day at Joe and Kelly's



Friday Night at Tom and Cindy's:)

Here is the bad dog enjoying his ride in the car. He loves sticking his head out the window.
So it's already starting off to be a busy summer. And I don't see it slowing down any time soon. And mom and I discussed this last week...that's a good thing. Stay busy and you don't get as sad. You don't have time to think about how sad you are that Shirley is not here to enjoy the fun summer with us.
Can't wait to see everyone who is coming to dad's surprise party on the 13th.
Love,
Teresa

May 26, 2009

Exhausted

That is what happens after a 3 day weekend. You have to come back to work to get a break.

Friday night was awesome...we got to sit around Tommy and Cindy's pool with mom and dad and Tim and Bea and of course Tom and Cindy. It felt so good. It's really the first time for us all to just sit down and laugh and relax together in awhile. Tommy grilled some food for us. Getting over the initial sadness of passing Shirley's house to get there is really hard. Every time I drive by her house I can see her pretty face just smiling and waving at me on her deck. It makes me smile...and then cry. Once I make it to Tommy's I am o.k.

Saturday I was invited over to the other Teresa's house for a pool party. She has such a beautiful, relaxing home and swimming pool. The other girls came also and we had good food and good conversation. I got to meet Teresa's two doggies...they were adorable. They were so good that it actually gave me hope for the bad dog. Maybe someday. After I left her house, I went to visit Shirley. I bought her some memorial to put on her grave. They were purple and white and were very pretty. I told her she was all dressed up now. Had her fancy pants on. At this point she would laugh and hit me. Tell me I'm silly.

Who, by the way, got the furminator on Saturday. They took off a lot of hair. He is still shedding some, but not at all like he would if he had not had that done. He also got some quality time in at the dog park.

We spent Memorial Day at Joe and Kelly's. The kids got to swim and Joe cooked us some great food. We played some cards and had a very relaxing, enjoyable day.

So overall, a great weekend. Hope the same for all of you.

Love,

Teresa

May 22, 2009

3 Day Weekend

Yea! I don't have anything big planned, but a 3 day weekend sounds wonderful. Hopefully get yard work done and hair done. Tomorrow I plan on hanging out with the girls from high school at Teresa's pool. And Monday having a cookout with Joe and Kelly. Hopefully some beer and relaxing will be included.

Last night I went to the retirement party of one of my teachers from high school with the other Teresa. It was a nice evening. It's funny hearing what they remember and what we remember. What's really odd is they remember Tommy more than anyone else in my family. Hmmm....I wonder why?

Tomorrow will be four months since Shirley passed away. I know I will wake up in the morning remembering her last days. I definitely will go and put a memorial on her grave. The teachers were so sad last night ... they knew she was a great person. Just like we knew that.

Have a great holiday weekend and take some time to remember our girl. Think of happy memories ... I am going to try to do that.

Love,

Teresa

May 21, 2009

Tonight


So tonight I am supposed to go to a retirement party for a former teacher of mine. I know this is hard for most people to believe about me, but I am not comfortable in crowds of people that I am not used to being around. I normally can just talk my way into being comfortable...or drink my way ...whatever is appropriate for the situation. Tonight...it might take alcohol. I am excited to see people from my past, but again, it's been over 20 years. I know they will all want to tell me they are sorry about Shirley. And that is really nice and I appreciate it. And I know they really are sorry. I know that every teacher in our high school loved Shirley. Especially after having Tommy as a student first. Anyway, think about me and hope for the best. I'm nervous but I will be with the girls from high school, so it should be fine.


3 day weekend is right around the corner. I'm so ready!!!! It is Memorial Weekend so I am starting to plan my visit to Shirley...In the past, memorial weekend was always for planning something fun. The beginning of summer...Cookouts, swimming. But now it is a weekend that I will have somebody to remember and honor. I wish I didn't. :(


Love,


Teresa

May 20, 2009

The Lake

For lunch today, I went to Shawnee Mission Lake. It was beautiful and peaceful. I used to go there a lot last summer and wonder what was happening to our lives. I tried to stare at the water and find some hope. Watch the dogs playing and try to be happy. I cried a lot last summer. This is the first time I have been back by myself on my lunch hour. And no matter how many times I say it or think it....times goes so fast. It's like it was yesterday that I was sitting there praying for a miracle.

One thing happened that I thought was odd...Alan Jackson's "Sissy's Song" came on right when three geese flew over the water. I know that there are ways that Shirley talks to me. That was one of them. Just like Kristi and Paige when they went to visit her. Whether it's through a song, geese, a dream, whatever. I have to believe that.

I have allergies or a cold...I can't figure out which one. Not feeling great and a little down today. So I will cry a little and maybe get it out of my system as I sit here in my cube.

Mom is getting dad's party together, so that is very exciting. I am hoping everyone can come. I would love for my dad and our family to be surrounded by as many family and friends as we can and help him celebrate turning 70. So please put June 13th on your calendar and let mom know if you are coming.

Love,

Teresa

May 19, 2009

Kathy Came To Lunch!!!






(I'm posing for the camera)

Yea!!! Kathy came to lunch. So it was the four of us. I won't lie...I kept thinking it should have been 5 of us. But we definitely made each other laugh. I'm not sure the other diners appreciated what we were talking about...kind of gross. Oh well.
I thought I would post my most recent photo shoot of the bad dog. Another television remote lost his life last night ...grrrrr....

Love,

Teresa

Lunch

(in St. Louis)


Today I am having lunch with my momma and Cindy!!! With Kathy's new job I am really missing having lunch dates. I still get that urge quite a bit to instant message Shirley on days when I am wanting to get out of the office and go to lunch. She would just make me laugh so hard because she was so good at the "lingo" people use on the internet. I would always get a little pop up that would say "yt"...that would be for "you there". And she always did the "lol". And I guess that's because we were always laughing. If there was every a day we needed a lunch partner...we would just send a little message to each other. We did that for so many years. The very last lunch we did together at work like that was probably about a year ago, just me and her and we went to Panera's. We sat and cried right there in the restaurant the entire time. And we didn't care who saw. And then she walked me back into my office and hugged me for the longest time. And we cried some more. She was a great hugger.

But today will be a happy lunch...of course it's Chinese. Duh! I am definitely looking forward to the 3 day weekend....cannot get here fast enough. Let's hope the weather stays the same as it is today.

I am counting down the days to dad's party. Can't wait to see everyone who comes!!!!

Love,
Teresa

May 18, 2009

It doesn't matter how much money you have...

Cancer will still find you. I watched the Farrah Fawcett story this weekend. She was always so pretty and had all the money in the world. But once she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, it didn't matter. I realized after watching it, I was happy about one thing. That we weren't so wealthy that we could fly all over the country looking for false hope. That is what she got. There were times when she was so happy because Doctors told her she was tumor free. What they neglected to tell her was that she was not cancer free. She still had cancerous cells in her body. Which is what Shirley had in her bile duct. There were never any tumors, just cells. I am really sad for her and her family. Her daddy is still alive at 91 and this will be the second daughter he loses to cancer. I now know I do not want to live to be 91. If that's what happens:(

Mom and I played poker Saturday night with Sharon and Robin. Of course great food and great friends as always.

I am fighting an allergy problem at the moment. I do not normally have this problem, but this year it is awful.

Hope everyone has a great day and I am thinking of all of you. I love you.

Teresa:)

May 15, 2009

Blogs

I was just sitting here reading another lady's blog, Rose, who is dying from the same horrible cancer Shirley had. I have read her blog for awhile. She is a beautiful lady. But she is dying. She is very close. Her sister writes for her now. The feelings are so overwhelming.

I wrote this post because I am wondering why I feel the need to continue reading these blogs now that Shirley is gone. The really sad part is that there aren't too many left to read.

:(

The Weekend




Well first let's start with my dad. His procedure went o.k. yesterday. I think he has to go back and have more done. But let's hope that yesterday provides some relief on his back. He did manage to go to the graduation ceremony last night so that is a good sign. When I talked to him Wednesday evening he said he was a little worried because they asked him if he was an organ donor. I thought that was kind of funny because, uh not to be mean, but what organs do you donate when you are almost 70? Anyway, no organs were donated so we are o.k.

My dad turns 70 3 weeks from tomorrow. Mom is planning a "surprise" birthday party for him on the 13th. I hope mom does not let him read the blog... It should be a fun party. Aunt Connie...I am praying you are healthy enough to come. I can't wait to see you guys again.

Tomorrow night is poker night with the ladies. I just talked to mom and she is super excited to play.

Hope everyone else has a great weekend.

Love,

Teresa

May 14, 2009

The Sun Is Shining

It's really a beautiful day outside. As I walked into work I was remembering last year about this time how on a day like today...all I wanted to do was go sit on Shirley's deck with her and just spend some time with her. Unfortunately, I also remember just walking back into work. I wish I would have done that.

Today our dad is having a minor procedure done on his back. His poor back has given him so much pain. I am asking everyone to pray that this procedure gives him some relief. He turns 70 in a few weeks and what better present than to be pain free...even just for a little bit.

We also have Joe and Phillip graduating tonight...Timmy and Bea's sons. Life is changing so much for our family. How awesome for these guys.

I also thought I would give an update on the bad dog. The previous night he had eaten my remote control. Last night I went home to some more damage. Out of everything in the house he could choose from to eat...he chose the mouse to my computer and my headphones to my computer. Grrrrr.....his mama was mad!!! He's lucky it's a nice day....because his options were his crate or outside.

Have a beautiful day.

Teresa

May 13, 2009

Some Days are Harder Than Others

And there is nothing different today than yesterday. I miss her and I want her back.

MISSING MY SISTER

One Morning I found you in eternal sleep.
I tried to wake you as I began to weep.
But all my please you could not hear.
Oh if I could have only kept you near.
Away from the voices of those who went before.
Who beckoned you to come to that distant shore.

I find it so very hard to believe,
That you have gone and I must grieve.
I call out your name -- you answer not,
And I look for you in every familiar spot.
Everything seems so strange and surreal.
I ask everyday is it a dream or is it real?

Where are the soft brown eyes of affection?
Where is the laughter and talk of childhood reflection?
Where is the loving care when I was sad?
Where is the generous soul for which I was glad?
Where is the forgiving and understanding heart?
Where are the bonds that were there from the start?

I miss all the little ways you showed you cared,
For there were so many good moments we shared.
Looking back on my life's assorted scenes,
I realized you taught me what love truly means.
You were my trusted confidante and best friend,
On whose loving support I could always depend.

I look at your smiling face in all my photos,
Memories flood my mind as I touch the mementos.
From the happy times you and I have had,
But now these bring tears and make me sad.
For the time together went by in a wink,
Life was not as long as we would like to think.

Sometimes memories bring comfort and make me smile
But there are times when grief takes over for a while
Friends offer gentle words and prayers to console
And tell me what has happened to your loving soul
Can it be true what they say of time healing grief
Is it enough when they say death has given you relief

Can we believe what others say of a better place
Where our beloved ones rest in God's warm embrace
I should be happy you are free of pain and sorrow
And rejoice that you will always have a tomorrow
How can I then be so heartbroken and selfishly cry..
"Return to me from that peaceful place where you lie!!!"

Now I look down at your name on a cold hard stone
That says little of the loving light you have shone
It tells nothing of the wonderful pereson you were
And only serves to remind me of the painful loss I endure
But I know your kind soul wants no tears or pain
Instead you would want warm memories and love to remain

Although I cry and stand grief stricken by your grave
I promise not to forget the loving memories you gave
But still I miss you so very much my sister dear
And your caring words I once again long to hear
My heart's only solace is one day I will see you as before
Beckoning me to come join you on that white distant shore.

May 12, 2009

A heartwarming and heartbreaking story

I just read this story. I don't really know what to say. A family who had two people in their family with bile duct cancer.

http://www.citizensvoice.com/articles/2009/05/11/lifestyles/wb_voice.20090511.t.pg26.cv11cdbileduct_s1.2509591_top6.txt

So Much Fun!!!








Wow, so much to talk about with these pictures. The first one I just put in for fun. Bad dog at the dog park...found the mud. He looks so innocent in this picture. Trust me he is not. I have half a remote control in my purse that was eaten by the innocent dog yesterday that I need to replace. Grrrrr...puppy stage is lasting a really, really long time.
The other top picture is one of my Mother's Day gifts. A bench for my front porch. It's really cute and I had picked it out a couple of months ago. My dad has a place to sit when he needs to go out and take care of his bad habit...smoking.
Then we go to the pictures from last night's girls night out at Stix. So much fun!!!! These ladies are just hilarious. The waiter, the chef...very entertaining. And I tried to get some pictures of shrimp being thrown into their mouths. I think a lot of the girls caught their shrimp, but Teresa (Kostelac) Ellis kept trying to catch the shrimp either with her eyes or her cleavage. One or the other. A lot of food, a couple of beers and a lot of fun.
One of the benefits for me is that they do not mind me talking about my Shirley. Which I like to do a lot. It is so nice of them to let me do that. And I am talking to people who knew her. And if you look closely in one of the pictures you will see that the other Teresa is wearing a bracelet. That is so wonderful to see these on peoples arms. I can't even explain the feeling I get seeing them. I know that people will think of her when they see them.
So another girls night is over. It was hard to leave when it was time. We could have talked for several more hours I am sure. I hope more girls can come in the future. I love these girls for taking me in and letting me be part of their group:)
Have a wonderful day!
Love,
Teresa





May 11, 2009

Mother's Day

We had a really good Mother's Day. We started out the day visiting Shirley. She has some beautiful flowers and we put some there as well. I think she had several visitors yesterday. She was such a great mom and she deserves flowers on Mother's Day too. Tom and Cindy and Crystal and Brandon were there and Sam and Alex also came. My kids were extremely excited to see them. It's actually been awhile so they all had a really good time together. It's amazing after somebody passes away how much you can see that person in their children. Every time I looked at Sam and Alex I saw Shirley. Not sure I noticed that before.

A lot of tears but overall a great day. Tonight...out with the girls from high school. Yea!!!

Have a great day!

Teresa

May 08, 2009

It's a Better Day




Today is better. I have talked to several people this morning who are getting their bracelets in the mail and I don't know why...but it makes me feel really good inside. I guess I feel it's our way to show Shirley that we are thinking about her every single day and she will never ever be forgotten. Every time we feel that bracelet on our arm, we will think of her. Or if somebody asks you about your bracelet...that will give you the chance to talk somebody who we loved with all of our heart. And it makes us some of the luckiest people in the world. I feel so lucky to have been her sister for 40 years and a lot of people ask me about my bracelet, and that's what I tell them. It's not really about the cancer, it's about her. And at the same time, the word can get out that we need to know about this rare killer that took her from us. Who knows, maybe it will help. Maybe not. I watched Michael J. Fox last night and I would really like to be as optimistic as he is someday. Not happening any time real soon...but maybe some day.



I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and I hope we all treasure the moms we have. Because some people aren't as lucky as I am to have their mother around, so I will be extra grateful for mine. I love my mom more and more every day that she is here and would never have made it through the tragedy we experienced without her.





Love, Teresa:)

May 07, 2009

Sad

Today has turned into a sad day. I know that I have told you all that when Shirley was diagnosed I immediately turned to the internet to research everything I could about this horrible disease that entered our lives. One of the first websites I found was the cholangiocarcinoma.org site. The site where we are getting our bracelets from. I started posting on that website immediately asking many questions. The first person to respond to me was a man named Jeff. And what was really surprising was that he was from Wichita. He was so helpful and full of desperately needed answers ...and the reason for that is he had survived 9 years with this cancer. He was my inspirational story that I told about Shirley all of the time. It was my way of giving her hope. Well Jeff died today. So I am sad. I am sad for his family.

I'm not sure why I keep going to this website. I have made some Internet friends I guess. And I keep praying that I will read on there that somebody has found treatment that will help. I appreciate the people who run this website because they are always working at trying to raise awareness and research for bile duct cancer.

So tonight, I will say an extra prayer for Jeff's family. I will ask God to help them through the overwhelming pain and grief they will be experiencing...

:( Teresa

I am tired of being sick and tired


Have you ever heard that before? It is so true. And I find myself saying it all of the time. And actually this week I was sick for two days...so it even more true than ever.

What am I sick and tired of??? I am tired of the feeling that I want to just pick up the phone and tell Shirley something and realizing she's not here. Feeling those horrible feelings all over again, every single day. A hundred times a day. I have laid in bed for two days and thought of nothing else but Shirley being gone. I hate it.

Kathy is also out of town this week training for a new job. So I am so excited for her and I did get to talk to her for awhile last night so it definitely helped.

And I want to send a special thank you to Kristi and Paige. Thank you so much for taking purple flowers to Shirley. That is so thoughtful. I can see why she just loved both of you so much. And just like the geese that fly over every time I am there...she definitely was sending you a message with that song.

I love you all...thanks for listening to me...or reading...or whatever!!!

Love,

Teresa

P.S. Girls Night Out is planned for Monday!!!! Thanks to Teresa for planning it.

May 04, 2009

Updated Pictures of Bad Dog






I thought I would share with you the new pictures of my dog. You can see that he has gone from being a fairly small bad puppy to being a big bad dog. The close up picture of his face is when I am sure he was trying to bite my face off...instead he got his picture taken. Another picture is of Nik and Sue. Nik is showing you Sue's actual size. And of course the one where he is being held like a baby...because he is a baby.
Hope you enjoy:)
Teresa




Found This Awesome Poem..

Maybe someday poems like this one will help me...not yet though. But I still wanted to share...

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say...
but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you."

It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here badly; you're part of my plan.
There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man.

God gave me a list of things that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you.... in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years
because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er.
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
but together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too...
that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain,
then you can say to God at night..."My day was not in vain."
And now I am contented.... that my life has been worthwhile,
knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low,
just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free,
remember you're not going...you're coming here to me

Busy Weekend is Over

Well, Teresa had to work on Saturday...grrrr. I work for a landscaping company and twice a year they are open to the public. And the day turned out to be a beautiful day ... so even busier than usual. And the same for next Saturday... It's kind of weird because last year they had asked me to work the sale and I said absolutely not. My sister had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I needed to be with her every chance I had. So when I agreed to work these two Saturdays all of those old feelings came up. And it does seem that no matter what I am doing or where I am at...there are always reminders of Shirley's cancer. We were at the movies Friday night and sure enough... a preview of a movie called My Sister's Keeper came on. I just cannot get a break for some reason.

I did want to share a text message that I got from Sam. She made the National Honor Society. Yea for Sam!!!!!! Shirley would be sooo proud of her. I know that the weekend ahead will be very tough for Sam and Alex. And I know that it will be tough for my mother. Hopefully I will be strong and help them through it any way that I can.

Kathy is out of town this week to train for her new job. I will miss our weekly lunch that we have on Tuesday:( Pray that she makes it home safely this weekend.

Have a great day!!!!

Love,
Teresa

May 01, 2009

Another Sister's Tribute

When I got into work this morning, I had an email from a very nice lady who also posts on the same website www.cholangiocarcinoma.org. She lost her sister to this horrible disease also. Going to this website and reading other peoples stories and sharing mine has been somewhat comforting. This website helped me know what to expect with Shirley's disease and come to terms very early on with the fact that it would eventually take her away from us. I want to share this email with whoever reads my blog because Jane obviously wants the world to know how much she loved her sister and how special their relationship was. And how much it hurt to lose that person. I felt whenever I read her posts on the website I was reading about my own pain and loss. Here is her email:

Teresa.

This was the tribute my husband read to my sister from me at her funeral, I would like to share it with you:


Caroline was a sister to be proud of she always looked after Jane right through their childhood. Jane remembers how they both had one of these girls worlds which was a girls head that you could do the hair and make up. Once Jane remembers how Caroline was always kept in a perfect condition so Jane decided to give it a new punk look and Jane recalls she never saw her sister so mad.

It has to be said that she did get her own back though as on many occasions when Caroline and Jane had been left to do the Tea Dishes Caroline would make a potion from Tomato Ketchup, vinegar, salt and anything else she could find and Jane’s punishment was to drink it before she was allowed to leave.

Caroline and Jane’s childhood was very happy, they would frequently travel up to Scotland to see their gran-parents, Aunties, Uncles and cousins. Their Dad would pull up outside their Grannies house and Caroline and Jane would race up the stairs to the flat to see who could ring the bell first. Jane also remembers how they would on every visit to Campbeltown have a trip to the local toy shop “Dunken Browns” it was a childs dream. A toy shop which had a big counter with all the toys on the others side. Their Dad would say to them before they went with Granny Colville, “now something small only!” Caroline and Jane would nod dutifully and know they would be in trouble if they did not do as their dad told them.

Unfortunately Jane would forget this on entering the toy shop and whilst Caroline had been good and only got a modest toy Jane would return with the biggest package from the shop, and once again she would be in trouble.

Caroline was the best sister you could have, and never let Jane down ever, when Jane ever needed her she would be there within hours and everything in her life would be put on hold to do what she could for Jane. They had such loyalty for one another that no-one could break.

Caroline sent Jane some cards during her illness and Jane feels it appropriate to read the verses:

In childhood we did not understand the gift wrapped up in a greater plan. Time has taught us about the bond of love, and through that love we have chosen friendship.We have learned together, sharing the good times and the bad, and no matter what, there has always been love, you are my sister always and my friend forever.

Sisters aren’t afraid to break the rules defend each other, take chances on one another, and be there when life’s pretty and when it’s not. They share memories and hopes and dreams. They have an unbreakable bond. No one can ever take the place of a sister thank you for being mine.

Our lives will never be the same without you, I miss you so very much.


I am sad for Jane. I am sad for me. I am sad that Caroline and Shirley had to suffer with such a horrible disease.

Thanks for reading.

Teresa