Beliefs

We all have different beliefs when it comes to everything in our lives. Religion, politics, raising children...and dealing with grief. Personally, I do not believe in going to a grief counselor. I do not believe in medicating yourself to numb the pain you are feeling. Grief counselors know how to help you deal with your grief...but I don't believe in sitting down and trying to tell a complete stranger what has just happened to you in your life and expect them to understand the depth of your pain and the traumatic experiences you have been through. There is no way they could comprehend how close you were to that person. So to me it is all generic advice...and 99% of the time they would love to give you a prescription and send you on your way.

So for myself I deal with it the best I can. In my own way. Not everyone is happy about that decision. And I understand that. But it's the way I am going to do it.

It may affect other people in my life. It may not be fair the way that I have changed because of what has happened. But as we have all learned...life is not fair. Nothing in life is fair. So if things happen that are not fair... Shirley getting cancer was not fair. Me having to lose Shirley was not fair.

Bottom line...Nothing is fair anymore.

Complicated...

I don't think that, unless you have experienced it, how much somebody so close to you dying can affect your entire life. And I am speaking for me personally. I know that other people also in my family experienced this, but please let me say that I am only talking about me right now.

I did not only experience Shirley dying. I experienced her being told she was going to die, I watched her struggle with her treatments and pray with her that they would work, I watched the doctor tell her that there were no more treatments and she would die...and then I watched her die. Right in front of me. I woke up...and her lifeless body was right in front of me staring at me.

So the point of my blog today is that this has affected me in more ways than just being "sad Shirley is gone" or "sad I don't have my best friend".

Trying to deal with the rest of your life from that point on is very complicated. I'm sure anyone reading this and who has deal with that knows exactly what I am talking about. And then you have people who are stronger and can deal with it better. Much better than I can.

So please, if you love me, please understand that if I do things that are unexplainable or you just don't know why I would do them...it all goes back to that. I am not the same person. I'm not the person before Shirley...I am the person after Shirley.

Love,

Teresa

I had Chinese Food...

twice yesterday. And it was delicious. I had dinner with my girlfriends last night. And again...they let me just sit there and go on and on about our girl Shirley and cry and they sit there and listen. They are wonderful friends. Wonderful People!!! And my girlfriend Teresa put lavender flowers on Shirley's grave...it was 14 months ago yesterday that Shirley passed away. Teresa also said that she told Shirley she was taking care of me the best she could...she's doing a great job. I feel bad when I tell people that no matter how many friends and family that I do have (which are a lot), there are a lot of times I feel completely alone. I do know it would be much worse without everyone.

Update on the very bad dog...he needs his entire body shaved. He is a big furball and starting to shed. He has hobbit feet which are very cute...but time to get shaved. I think he may get a day of beauty this weekend. Not shaved...but at least a really good trim and brush. Ridiculous.

Love,

Teresa

Really Good Weekend...

with the family. Of course we had all of the snow. And the Jayhawks lost. But you can have all of that happen and still have a great weekend with my family. Saturday afternoon we went over to my mom and dad's house to watch my Jayhawks lose, we ate delicious food, played cards (the women won), and watched K-State win. I will admit that I was happy for my K-State family members. If my team can't win...at least maybe theirs can. Also West Virginia beat up on the Missouri boys so that helped out a lot.

Saturday night playing cards was absolutely the best time I have had in a little while. After the cards...we sat around and talked for a couple of hours and just laughed about so many old stories. That never gets old for me. Trust me...you learn something new every single time. It was mom, dad, Tom, Cindy, Bea, Timmy, Steve and I. The kids sit around and listen and learn about our past. Not sure that's all good.

The boys had a great week with mom and dad on spring break. They love it there so much. And I appreciate them being the best grandparents that my kids could ever ask for.

I got to see Alice in Wonderland...great movie.

Now...two very stressful days....boss leaves town on Wednesday and I have to have every thing done before then...so late hours at the office.

I love you,

Teresa

P.S. Happy Birthday to my niece Crystal....love her!!!!!! I will never, ever forget watching Cindy go through her pregnancy. The first one I can remember...and waiting at school all day waiting for the news that she had been born. It was awesome.

An Email From Cindy...

and it's also Miss Cindy's birthday today. I love her and she is a great support for me. Sometimes she just knows what I need. I think she has had her own experiences to know how to help people. I love you Cindy!

Anyway, she sent this email and I thought it was completely appropriate and I loved it. I hope you do too:


One day a woman's husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of their bedroom, the wife was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't "anymore". No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more "just one minute." Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, say"I love you."

So while we have it, it's best we love it, care for it, fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick. This is true for marriage.....And old cars... And children with bad habits and report cards, and dogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

Some things we keep -- like a best friend who moved away or a sister-in-law after divorce. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what.

Life is important, like people we know who are special.. And so, we keep them close!

I received this from someone who thought I was a 'keeper'! Then I sent it to the people I think of in the same way.... Now it's your turn to send this to all those people who are "keepers" in your life, including the person who sent it, if you feel that way. Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know you love them?

I was thinking....I could die today, tomorrow or next week, and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that needed rekindling or three words needing to be said.

Let every one of your friends know you love them.. Even if you think they don't love you back, you would be amazed at what those three little words and a smile can do. And just in case I'm gone tomorrow.

I LOVE YA!!!

Live today because tomorrow is not promised.

Roller Coaster...

that's the only way to describe life. And the funny thing is I have always loved roller coasters. Not so much anymore. Too many ups and downs.

Right we are up. Life is pretty good right now. No anniversaries right now...no activities going on that Shirley should be here for. Although I did buy a couple of pairs of boots that I would love her opinion on.

Work is going good. As much as I complain, I do love some of these people I work with. So it makes the day more enjoyable.

I know good weather is right around the corner. I am super excited about that. Ready to get the yard and house in order.

I FINALLY GOT MY SHIRLEY BRACELET. I think the lady felt so bad that it took so long that I only ordered 10 bracelets but she sent me 20. So if anyone is in need of one...feel free to ask me for one. I am happy to pass them out and get the word out as much as possible. I think I have a lifetime supply. But I do feel better wearing my bracelet right next to my Shirley tattoo.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day. I know it's yucky and cold and rainy outside but it's going to be a good day:)

Love,

Teresa

Great Weekend!!!!

Bunco was a hit. It was so much fun. I have such a wonderful group of co-workers and friends and family.

Saturday we got together at Tom and Cindy's and watched K.U. beat K-State. Everyone was a really good sport and they provided awesome food. Great family time. Got to meet Brandon's girlfriend. How cute are they!!!!!

I have to say it was one of the most relaxing weekends I have had in a long time. And it helped tremendously. I was actually looking forward to going to work today.

I have figured out that one thing does make Teresa happy. New perfume. Don't ask me what it's called but I got some and just smelling it makes me happy. Weird!!!!

Oh and bad dog makes me happy. I love him. Last night I was watching t.v. and he was sleeping next to me on the floor and I looked down and somehow he got a chicken mcnugget. It was laying between his hobbit feet. It was his friend. He didn't even want to eat it. He is crazy. I love him.

And I love everyone of you.

Love,

Teresa

A Poem...

Our Hearts Are Broken Forever

Shirley our hearts are broken forever,
People tell us that in time the pieces will eventually come back together,

f this is true, though hard to believe now, there will always be a space,
The piece to which has your name on its place.

Tears have been falling now for so long,
When we think of your beautiful face it all seems so wrong

You had so much to look forward to and so much left to do
But God needed somebody in heaven who is as special as you.

Nothing is the same now and we doubt it ever will be
You have been released from pain and suffering, you have been set free.

Your story has touched people, all ages, near and afar
On the night you were taken from us, in the sky was a lone twinkling star.

Was that you to tell us that you had reached home now?
And from life as we knew it, it was time for you to take your final bow.

We miss your voice, your infectious laugh and the love you bring,
Life you loved and now you have new accessories a pair of Angel’s wings.

The world has lost a wonderful girl, a true and amazing friend.
But maybe her goodness was needed to help and from heaven she needed to send.

Shirley you are always around us, engulfing us with your love
Giving us strength, keeping us close and watching over us from above

The weekend is here....

and I could not be happier. I really need this week to just be over. I am so looking forward to the weekend. We have bunco tonight which is awesome. It seems like forever since we have played. Trying to improve my mood and my attitude. Hopefully this weekend will help.

I definitely need to be more positive on here. I know that affects people and how they are dealing with their grief. And I don't want to stand in their way of healing just because I am having a hard time.

I can't wait to go out to mom and dad's tonight and sit and laugh and have a really good time.

Have a wonderful weekend friends:)

Love,

Teresa

A Repeat Post...

from last year. It just kind of describes what happened two years ago on March 11th. Up until that day we knew Shirley was sick, we knew she had some type of cancer...but we could never imagine what we were going to be told that afternoon.

This morning on my drive to work...I could not help but picture Shirley next to me and when a song came on the radio she would just burst out singing...without knowing the words of course, because she never knew the words. And I would just give her my look and she would start laughing. It's the little things I miss the most.

So here is my post from last year....


This started on a Monday, March 10th. Actually before that. The previous week, I believe it was the previous Thursday, Shirley had a PET Scan at K.U. Medical Center. Mom, Kathy and I all went with Shirley. That next Monday Shirley got a call from her doctor saying that she needed to be seen the next afternoon. That's when I got the call from Shirley. Mom was sick and couldn't go, dad was going and would I go with her. I remember calling my husband and telling him that I had a really bad feeling about this. No way do doctors call you that quick to come in. But no matter what it was, we would take care of it. Almost all cancers have treatment, even a cure. Shirley had not been really sick, no weight loss. This had all come on so fast. So certainly we had caught it early.

I went to work on Tuesday morning a nervous wreck. I remember not getting much done and talking to co-workers and they were all assuring me that it would be fine. So I really had convinced myself of that. I left work I believe it was around 1:00...early afternoon anyway. And it really was a beautiful day. I got to KU Medwest early, about a half hour before Shirley and dad. I remember standing out on the sidewalk overlooking the highway thinking...how is this going to turn out? I also remember trying to put on my happy face and not show my fear to Shirley when she got there. Then they pulled upin dad's truck. Shirley had a nervous smile on her face. I hugged her so tight and assured her once again that everything was going to be fine. And she shook her head and agreed with me.

Looking back, I also realize how strong dad was trying to be. For his two daughters. So we went in. We were talking and laughing as usual. Pretending this was just any other appointment, when all 3 of us had this horrible feeling of dread. We sat in that waiting room forever it seemed. But they had just squeezed us in that day so we had to wait. And then the door opened, and in came this "not so nice" doctor. Shirley was sitting on the exam table, I was sitting in a chair next to her holding her hand and dad was on the other side of her. The doctor made some small talk, asking Shirley how she was feeling. And then I will never forget the serious look that came over this doctor's face. She told Shirley that she had the results from her tests and that they did not look good. They believed that she had this cancer on her liver but that was not the primary tumor. They were sure that it had origjnated in the bile duct (first time I have ever heard those words...bile duct). This cancer had spread. They found cancer in her rib, her hip bone, her spine and her lymph nodes. I remember after her saying this...I looked up at Shirley and she was starting to cry. I stood up and hugged her and dad was hugging her saying it's o.k. let's just listen to how we treat it. So we calmed down a bit and the doctor went on to say that this cancer was very advanced and that they did have chemo but it was considered only "palliative"...to help Shirley live longer and to keep her pain to a minimum. Also the first time I had heard palliative. Shirley was sobbing now and she looked at me and I will never forget as long as I live what she said. She said "It's in my bones. That will hurt and I can't take pain. You know I can't take pain". I promised her she would not be in pain. That they would do everything they could to keep her out of pain. The crying was uncontrollable really from this point on.

I do know at that point we started panicing. My poor dad. I remember standing there and hugging Shirley and my dad hugging us both. I am sure he had no idea how to comfort his daughter who was just told she was going to die. And it would be soon. The doctor sat down with Shirley and told her the chemo options that she had, and they all sounded awful. They do not even have treatment for bile duct cancer. They would be treating it as if it was Pancreatic cancer. She also told Shirley she should definitely get a second opinion. She told Shirley that she needed to get some x-rays of her bones to see how bad it was. At that point, the visit was coming to an end. The doctor looked at Shirley and asked her if she had any other questions. She did. Just one. "How long do I have" she asked. And the doctor said a year or maybe a year and a half. We all broke down again. We were in shock. The nurse came in and took Shirley down to x-ray while dad and I followed. Shirley went in to get her x-rays and left dad and I in the waiting room. I'm not sure either one of us knew what to do. Dad was comforting me and I was so glad he was there. We made a few phone calls. And then it was time to go home. I hugged her and cried some more. And then I left.

I got in my car and realized what had just happened. I called Kathy. I told her what the doctor had said and then I distinctly remember telling Kathy that Shirley was going to die. We were going to lose Shirley to this cancer. The rest of the night was spent talking to my children and husband. Playing in my head over and over what had just happened. I sat at my kitchen table and talked to people on the phone letting them know what we had heard. Telling them the most devastating news. People were in shock. I cried for 3 days straight I think. I now know what it feels like to actually be "in shock". I made up a photo album the next day of all of my pictures I had of Shirley. I think I was in mourning already. I knew she would die. I learned so much in that visit. I learned that if you are really sick, and that if you are really going to die, you will know just by looking at that doctor's face. Shirley really disliked that doctor but who can blame her. Who likes the person who has to give you that kind of news. Ironically, we did not see that doctor again until Shirley was admitted into K.U. in December. She was one of the doctors there seeing patients. I remember feeling sad Shirley had to see her again. Shirley didn't really care at that point. I still wonder if that doctor remembered us? Really, do any of the doctors remember Shirley? One day she was their patient and the next she wasn't. She was just gone.

So now ... a year later I can look back. I realize how sheltered my life was. How safe it was. How lucky I was. My family had always been safe and healthy and happy. I had my best friend with me for 40 years. And I didn't even realize it. A huge slap in the face. In a blink of an eye, it had all changed.

So today, I will cry. I will be sad that Shirley had to hear that awful news a year ago today. She never deserved to be told anything like that. To be that sad. I have never felt so helpless in my life when she was being told that news. There was not enough comfort in the world for her.

Pray for Shirley's family and friends today. Remember how much you loved her and how special she was. And I thank God for the time I had with her. And pray that I will be with her again soon.

Love,

Teresa

Another day...

but a better day. Today I am having lunch with Kathy. We haven't done that for awhile.

Friday is bunco. So a couple of fun things to look forward to this week. Hopefully it will make the week better.

It's rainy and gloomy...yuck. Makes me want to just stay in bed.

Love,

Teresa

Right now it's really hard...

and I am just ready for it to get better. It was a weekend full of tears. I am just on the verge of crying at all times right now. Not much fun to be around. I tried Saturday night going with my mother, Vicki, Bea and Cindy to a play in Leavenworth. We were celebrating Vicki's retirement. Which is something to definitely celebrate. But the entire way out to my parents all I could think about is that this is something Shirley should be doing with us. So it was hard to even get into a good mood. The restaurant we went to...the last time I had eaten there...Shirley was still alive.

I don't know what to say to people when they ask what's wrong...or how can they make it better. They can't. And 99% of the time there is always only one thing wrong. Shirley's not here. Thursday will mark the 2 year anniversary that Dad and I went to the doctor with Shirley and they told her what she had and what would be happening. Other than the day Shirley passed away...that was the worst day of my life.

So I am going to try to make it through another day....another day without her. And I am going to keep trying to figure out how we are just supposed to keep waiting for it to get easier. Because it's not.

Love,

Teresa

I Swear Mom I Do Not Mean to Make you Cry....

but this poem is beautiful. Before I post it, I want everyone to know that one important thing I learned while Shirley was dying that we had a lot of people tell us to tell her it was o.k. to go. To just let go. I was never o.k. with saying that. And I am not sure I have ever told anyone this....but I would tell Shirley that I knew she was going to go to heaven, but I was not o.k. with it. I knew I didn't have a choice and that God was going to take her. But I would never, ever tell her it was o.k. to go. I still wanted her with me. So fight as long as she could. I knew that it was not up to me when she left us...it was up to God.

So a blog I read this morning had this poem on it from a mother to her little boy and this is really for my mother. And remember mom...we all need a good cry. So here we go:


I told him that he was not going to get the same speech his sister had gotten. It was NOT okay for him to quit fighting and it was NOT okay for him to go to Heaven and rest. I told him that I needed him to fight to stay with us.

If before you were born, I could have gone to Heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you.

If God had told me, "this soul will one day need extra care and needs", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "that one day this soul may make my heart bleed", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul would make me question the depth of my faith", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul would make tears flow from my eyes that would overflow a river", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "our time spent together here on earth could be short", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul may one day make me witness overbearing suffering", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "all that you know to be normal would drastically change", I still would have chosen you...

Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you...

Autho​r Unknown

Sorry so sad. But still so true.

Love,

Teresa

The Jayhawks beat the Wildcats!!!!!!

This picture is of my adorable 20 year old daughter. She is standing in front of the herbs they grow at her school.

K.U. #1 in the Big 12 once again. Yay!!!!!!! I really, really needed that. Isn't that sad how much sports can mean to somebody. But it does. Especially college basketball. I love it.

The weather seems to be turning nicer. Let's hope that trend continues. Bad dog needs to get outside and run. He's getting a little chunky.

This weekend I will be going out with Mom, Cindy, Bea and Vicki to see a local play of Footloose in Leavenworth. We will be celebrating Vicki's retirement. Nothing better to celebrate than that.

And next week we have bunco again finally!!!!! I also heard some good news taht my Aunt Carolyn will be coming to town in April. Mom is super excited about that. As we all are. I wish Tracy could find time to come with her. I would love to see her and spend some time with her.

Have a wonderful day good friends and good family:)

Love,

Teresa

Rock Chalk Jayhawk

O.K. So if one thing can district me....it's the Jayhawks playing the Wildcats. Shirley never liked sports very much and she just could not understand my fascination with college basketball. I would always tease her and call her and ask her if she was watching the game. She would just laugh and say no. It was actually a rhetorical question but she always answered. That was a very endearing quality about her.

Tonight is a huge game for both teams. I hope that the Jayhawks loss on Saturday will have them ready for tonight. If not...there will be tears for a different reason tonight. I have my Jayhawk vest and scarf on that my girl Kelly bought for me. I am ready. I just need to get the alcohol. That will help me through it.

For those who do not understand this rivalry and how important it is....just wish me luck.

ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK!!!!!

Love,

Teresa

Thought for the day....

My son Nik, who is 18, wants to be just like his grandpa. You are used to hearing that from your boys when they are little. But Nik is still that way. He worships the ground his grandpa walks on. For Christmas he got boots like his grandpa. He has a Carhart Jacket because grandpa has one. He told me last night that he wants a vest like grandpa. He said he saw it at Cavender's.

I actually love it. My dad deserves to be looked up to. He is a great guy. And my kids adore him. Both of my boys favorite thing to do is to call up Alex and talk grandma and grandpa into letting them stay the weekend. They can play games with grandma and do any work that grandpa needs done. And he calls Miss Kelsey Snowflake. He always has and she just loves that. It makes her giggle. When we got home from Kelsey's birthday party she asked me if I heard grandpa sing Snowflake instead of Kelsey when we sang happy birthday to her. I told her yes.

That gives me a really good feeling. They are great parents and have turned out to be awesome grandparents to my children.

Those were just some thoughts going through my head last night.

Have a great day!!!

Love, Teresa

Kelsey's part was a hit...

thanks to my wonderful family. I think it was the biggest turn out yet!!! And we were all crowded in so everyone had to talk to everyone. You couldn't break into little groups. I love that. The pizza was delicious. Pizza Shoppe did a really good job.

Kelsey made out like a bandit. She has enough gift cards to just go buy anything she wants. She was soooo happy. Her best friend Amanda got to come over and spend the night. After getting the kids home and tucked into bed, Steve, Timmy, Tommy, Cindy and I all went to have a beer to relax from the week. That was fun. And then it was IHOP after that. Teresa needed some good family time.

We even started planning our Hawaii trip in 2 years. As fast as time goes, it will be here before we know it!!!!

And Kelsey got her #1 gift she wanted more than anything. Don't laugh....it was a VCR. Don't even ask how hard that was to find. But we did it. She was so happy.

Steve and I spent yesterday cleaning out her room and getting it all organized for her. She's definitely worth it. A wonderful little girl.

Steve and I got to spend Saturday evening babysitting Joe and Kelly's kids. They were absolutely awesome. It's a little sentimental for Steve and I. We miss our little kids. And these three are so much like ours it's ridiculous.

So overall...a great weekend. A really great weekend. God knows when you need a pick me up...and he gave me one. I am ready to face the next week ahead of me. Life is really good and I love my family and friends more than anything in the world.

And I love my really BAD DOG!!!!

Love,

Teresa