Happy Birthday Kelsey Ann

This is Aunt Shirley and Kelsey at her graduation back in May. We only had 6 tickets for the graduation. So grandma and grandpa Lewis, Steve and I and grandma Noland all had a ticket. But we made sure that Aunt Shirley got to go too. Kelsey loved her Aunt Shirley. And we never did have to say anything, but Shirley and I both knew that it was very important that she be there. And she was. I do remember there was a long walk, it was warm and then the benches were very hard to sit on. And we sat there for hours, barely even able to see Kelsey in the crowd. But Shirley sat there the entire time with a smile on her face. And even through the smile I could tell she did not feel well. But she would have never said a word.

I am so glad I have the pictures of that day and the memories.

Also, the 2nd day at Hospice House it was just Shirley and I in her room. I thought Shirley was sleeping. And Miss Kelsey called in from her cell phone. Kelsey talks very loud on the phone and the first thing Kelsey would ask me every single day was how Aunt Shirley was doing and then she would say tell her I hope she gets better and that she loved her. After she said that, Shirley opened her eyes and looked at me and said "she's a sweetie". I was grateful at that moment for how loud Kelsey was because it's one of the last things Shirley was able to say.

I also want to say...again...how much I love talking to my girlfriends from high school. I mentioned that I had dinner with Kelly, Teresa and Denise last week, but I have also heard from Linda and then last night I got to talk on the phone with Andra. She had some wonderful insight and advice to share with me. Unfortunately that comes from experiencing her own tragedy. But I want her to know that she helped me. A lot. I guess God knows it will take a lot of support to get me through this horrible ordeal and has brought all of these wonderful people back into my life. I am grateful.

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY KELSEY. We love you!!! Aunt Shirley loved you so much.

Love,

Teresa

Memories

That's what we have now. And that's what we need to focus on I guess. They do make me smile. Shirley had a way to make everyone ... not only smile...but laugh so hard beverages would come spewing out of your mouth and nose. Often. It happened to us all of the time. And to her. I am laughing as I type this.

Anyway, here is a picture from our infamous Vegas trip for Shirley's 40th birthday. As I posted before, it was the trip of a lifetime.

Hope everyone is doing well. My daughter Kelsey turns 19 tomorrow. She is very excited and will have a pizza party on Saturday. I decided not to have the big family party at home because I don't think any of us are really ready to look around my livingroom and not see Shirley sitting there. It might just be easier at a generic pizza parlor. We will see. I know she will be there with us regardless.

Enjoy the picture and have a great day!!!

Love,

Teresa

I Pretend Sometimes

I realized yesterday after my lunch with Kathy (book club member) yesterday, when I sat at my desk for several hours and cried while I worked, that I'm not as strong as I pretend to be. I have been telling everyone how much better I am dealing with this than I thought I was. But for the past 2 days this whole ordeal has been haunting me. I think for awhile I was so grateful that Shirley no longer had to deal with the pain and sickness and suffering, that I could forget how sad I was. But last night it all came flooding back. And I don't know if anyone else has felt this way ... but there are times that I can feel Shirley's skin right next to my face. When I would kiss her cheek...I can feel that now. And it has been getting stronger the last couple of days. I am going to just say that is Shirley comforting me and that she is hugging me.

I do still talk to her but the reality is I want her here. And that's not going to happen. And I wish I had a time machine and we could go back...to when our kids were little and it was the best time of our life.

Grandma came through the surgery really well. She is very strong. The pictures I am putting on here today are from when Aunt Carolyn and Uncle Dan came to visit in December. They are so sweet and were so supportive through this whole ordeal. And Tracy, your comments mean so much.

So, today is another day, and we keep fighting. Fighting the bad thoughts and the depression that wants to grab you and put a smile on your face. Try and be thankful for what we still have.

Love,

Teresa

a couple of pictures

I will try a couple of times a week to put up a picture of Shirley. You may have seen them before, but it feels good to look at them again.

Book Report

I have finished the book and Kathy is almost done. The Shack. I wanted to share a little bit with what I have learned. I would recommend people to read the book. It doesn't really teach you anything you don't know, it just reminds you of what you may have forgotten or lost track of. I am a Christian and I do believe in God. I don't go to church every Sunday. This book makes it a point to remind you that God is all about love. We should not blame him for the pain, suffering and evil that happen in the world. And that he is with us or our loved ones when they are at the worst point in life. With that being said, I do know that Shirley was surrounded by angels in her last days of life. I know that she was being comforted as she lay in the bed at the hospice house. I do know that God did not cause her to have cancer and that it is easier today knowing that she is not suffering and in a better place than we are. The last year was so bad waking up every single day and the only thought I had was if Shirley was in pain or sick that day. And the dread of what was to come. Now, I know she is in heaven and I never have to worry about that again. And ....cross your fingers....hope, hope...that she is waiting for Teresa. I told her to put a good word in for me.

I had dinner with my friends last night. I have to say that anyone who knows me, knows that I did 99% of the talking. I have found that I am able to talk about Shirley and not cry. Not get upset. And I love that. I feel strong and feel that I am healing and it makes me hopeful for the future. If you asked my husband or some of my co-workers or family members, I am sure they had their doubts I would get through this. But I am and I know Shirley would be proud of me. Hopefully my high school friends will invite me again...we will see. I had a blast and they are all so adorable and fun.

I did tell them that if Shirley was still here, and they had invited me to dinner...I would have called her and asked her to go with me. And she would have. Without a doubt. Just to make me feel more comfortable. She would never have a problem going by herself and yet, I always needed her with me to help me through uncomfortable situations. And really we all know, she was with me. Giggling the whole time.

So out of all of that rambling, please if you can, read the book. You may get nothing from it or you may come away a little more enlightened.

The Jayhawks won. Yea!!!

Pray for my Grandma. She is having hip replacement surgery today and she is a little nervous. I know one Angel that will be watching over her today.

Thanks for listening.

Love,

Teresa

P.S. having another lunch with my book club member today:)

One Month Today

That's how long Shirley has been gone. And it still feels awful. I woke up this morning around 6:30 and realized what I was doing a month ago at that time. And yesterday it had been one year since Shirley actually found out she had cancer. It doesn't seem that long ago. It has also been one year today since my grandfather died. So much loss in one year doesn't really seem ok.

I did talk to Tom Francis yesterday and the kids seem to be doing really good. They are keeping Tom very busy and I think that helps everyone.

Tonight I will be having dinner with some girls I graduated high school with. I'm really excited about that and I really appreciate them reaching out to me. And it's Chinese food so who can complain. Also we need to cheer on the Jayhawks tonight so they can be #1 in the Big 12. I know that's not important to a lot of people but it is to me. And I'm the one typing...so Rock Chalk Jayhawk.

Everyone have a great day and keep Shirley in your thoughts today and everyday. We miss you Shirley.

Love,

Teresa

And More Pictures

Pictures for everyone to enjoy.

More Pictures

Some Pictures

Lunch With Kathy

We just had a delicious lunch...gyros and salads. Just what I needed today...Kathy and good food. We laughed and really had a good time.

But the best part about it is she bought me this new book that I had heard about. It's called "The Shack". It's supposed to help somewhat with the healing process and also very spiritual. I am excited to read it. Thank you Kathy. She also got one so we now have our 2 member book club.

Have a great day!

Teresa

Quote For The Day

"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have really lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love." -- H. Drummond

I don't really know if I have talked about this yet on here. I know I have talked to Kathy about it and my husband but I was so determined not to have anything positive come out of this tragedy. You always hear "everything happens for a reason"... or "God has a reason for this". And when I say tragedy, I mean tragedy. I am looking at Shirley and me together in a picture right now and my heart aches so bad. But guess what...something positive did come out of it. I have learned first of all that there are good people out here. I always knew they were good, just not how good. And second of all, how much people need you when they are going through something like this. I hope that someday I can give back what they have given to our family. I have been to funerals, I have grieved for other people. But I have never, ever given to others like they gave to us. And I have made a promise that I will do that from now on.

We are praying for Shirley's co-worker Dot right now. She has been diagnosed with breast cancer and has had surgery recently. Pray for her like you prayed for Shirley. She was so dear to Shirley's heart and did so much for our family. We love you Dot and are thinking about you.

Just thinking of our girl and thought I would write this down. I miss Shirley more than I will ever be able to type on here. And I want everyone to know that every day. Thanks for reading.

Teresa

New Picture of Bad Dog...

Here is the super hyper, super shedding, super high maintenance golden retriever. Boy named Sue....what else can you expect. He's great therapy. I recommend a dog to every person on earth.

Went to Visit

I made my visit to Shirley's house yesterday. It sucked. I felt like she would come out of a room at any second. Or I would look at her couch and I could physically see her laying there in her sweats, her little purple cap on her head and knowing she felt so bad. And the feeling of helplessness was overwhelming again. Exactly how I felt when she was here. I did not feel her in that house. I do not want to go back. I got my picture of us and that is all I needed.

I did get to visit with mom and dad for awhile which is always good. They are very comforting. I had Alex for the whole weekend. He came over Friday night, the boys played their xbox 360 games and computer games and stayed up all night. And then Saturday we went bowling and watched KU beat up on some K-State Wildcats. Always a good day. I did make sure he got his valentine candy and card. I know Shirley would have wanted that. Thank you Tom for letting me have him.

Sunday after I did my visit and took Alex home, Nik, Jake and I went to visit Aunt Shirley. That wasn't as difficult as I imagined it would be. She has been gone 24 days and I could feel her spirit there more than at her house. And Kathy, Cindy, Mom and Bea....the geese flew over while we were there. It was awesome.

I had so many stories to tell her but I knew she already knew them. I am going to stop now or my computer is going to short out from the tears. I miss her more every day and am sadder every day. It becomes so much more real with every day that goes by.

I do love all of you. I love hearing from all of you. I have reconnected through email with an old friend from high school and it has really helped me quite a bit. Thank you Teresa (not me) for making that effort.

Love....as always....Teresa:)

Visiting Shirley's House

I couldn't sleep last night. Most people who know me know that I stay up late and sleep in late. Do not like mornings. Shirley was always so surprised at how late I could stay up and still get up and go to work in the morning. She would worry about me.

Well this morning I was awake by 7:30 and decided to take the super hyper crazy shedding golden retriever to Shawnee Mission Park for a walk. He got to see geese and deer for the first time. He loves meeting new friends at the dog part of the park. He wore his mommy out. But that was just a little blurb in this blog. He was just a distraction to keep me from laying in bed and crying and thinking of what I have to do today.

The main reason I am writing is because I am planning on visiting Shirley's home today for the first time since that Thursday that we decided to go to Hospice House and they wheeled her out on a stretcher and put her in an ambulance. I will never forget following that ambulance going about 80 mph and when we got there and I saw her I asked her "how was your ride" and she said "bumpy". I'm sure it was. I am going to her house today because at one of our chemo visits when I think she knew it was getting close, she asked mom, Kathy and I if there was anything in her house that we wanted. At the time I could not respond. I only wanted her. And I couldn't have that.

But there was something and I eventually told her. The year I turned 30 Shirley took me to Worlds of Fun. She knew that was one of my favorite things to do and we decided since we were getting older we should go ride every single ride out there. And we did. We got sick, but we did it. While we were there we got a caricature drawing done of us together. She had that framed and it has hung in her bedroom ever since. That is the most important thing I want so today I will go get that. It meant a lot to me that she kept that for this long.

I'm not sure I will visit that house much more in the future. My mother has told me that we have had a lot of good memories there. And we have. My parents were married there, we actually lived there for a couple of years when I was young and Shirley lived there for I guess about 18 years. We have had many parties there. But unfortunately it only takes one really bad memory to take over the good ones. Shirley had cancer there. So no I won't be going there much.

Today is Kathy's husband Mark's birthday. Happy Birthday Mark.

I hope everyone is recovering as well as they can. I know that I cry everday. I talk to her everyday. I held a baby who had red hair this week and thought of Shirley. I held Kaitlyn Marie this weekend and thought of Shirley.

One last thing, Mom told me that a friend that Shirley went to school with came by her house this weekend. Her class had all raised money they wanted to go to the kids. They raised around $900. People are amazing. And we are so grateful to all of you. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Love,

Teresa

A Note From Shirley....Maybe

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say.
But first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from Heaven
Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there are no more tears of sadness;
here is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy just because I am out of sight,
Remember that I am with you every morning, noon and night.
God gave me a list of things
that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list,
was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night
the day's chores put to flight
God and I are closest to you...
in the middle of the night.
When you think of my life on earth,
and all those loving years
Because you are only human
they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry
it does relieve the pain
Remember there would be no flowers
unless there was some rain.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is over
I'm closer to you now than I ever was before.
And now I am contented...
that my life was worthwhile.
Knowing as I passed along the way
I made somebody smile.
So if you meet somebody
who is sad and feeling low
Just lend a hand to pick him up
as on your way you go.
When you are walking down the street
and you have got me on your mind,
I'm walking in your footsteps
only half a step behind.
And when it's time for you to go
from that body to be free,
Remember you are not going...
you are coming here to me.

Love, Shirley (at least I like to think so)

Sam and Alex

Hey, I did get a call from Tom Francis this morning. He wanted me to let everyone know the kids are doing really good. He had parent/teacher conferences yesterday and said the kids seem to be adjusting fine and no real problems. Grades and attitudes are good.

Tom said they are staying so busy with Volleyball, Forensics and Runescape....don't ask about that last one. He did mention I may get to keep Mr. Alex for the weekend due to Sam's busy schedule so I will hope for that. When I see him or when I see Sam I will see Shirley.

So there are the updates on the kiddos. Let's hope all continues well. It always seems that children cope so much better than the adults.

I love you all,

Teresa

Tears

I am going to try as hard as I can to make this blog happier. Right now for awhile it probably is not going to happen. So here we go:

With tears we watched you suffer

as you slowly faded away

our hearts were completely broken

as you fought so hard to stay

we knew you had to leave us

but you never went alone

because part of us went with you

the day you left your home.

We did watch Shirley suffer. I feel we had to do that in order to help her with her journey to heaven. I hope those memories fade soon. It has been 3 weeks this morning since she left us. The family in town helped out so much. The amazing amount of people who turned out to say their goodbyes gave us some really good feelings. But those feelings fade and people leave. So now it's time on our own to start healing. It's a struggle. You physically have to force yourself to get up and make it through a day. There are a lot of tears during the day, but so many good thoughts.

Talk to everyone soon.

Teresa

A New Beginning...I Think

I have had the urge so many times to write on here with thoughts about our Girl. I can't decide. I would love to let everyone know what is going on with the family. And also find out what is going on with everyone else. I think I would like to give out this website name and password to anyone who would like it and everyone could blog.

Let me know your thoughts. Or we could just end it as planned.

An update on how I feel. Terrible. I cry everyday. I have her picture right in front of me. I have things from her desk at work on my desk at work. I think of her constantly. And I hope that never ends.

Hopefully people will check back in on the blog and let me know.

Teresa