Shirley's Friend Dot

I have been trying to stay in contact with Shirley's friend and co-worker Dot. Dot found out she had breast cancer after Shirley went to the hospice house. We decided not to tell Shirley. She would have been so upset and so worried, no matter what she was going through herself.

I am glad to report that when I talked to Dot yesterday, she sounded wonderful. She said she is recovering nicely and heads back to work next week. She still has a lot of work ahead of her but she sounds like a fighter. I will never forget for the last couple of years one of the things Shirley said to me was how much Dot and I were alike. She would just say it over and over. And trust me, after getting to know Dot....that was a huge compliment. She is a wonderful lady just like the rest of Shirley's co-workers that I met. Wonderful people.

I just had my Chinese lunch with Kathy. It was delicious and fun. As usual. I get a lot of therapy going with Kathy. We talk about our Shirley and how much we miss her and love her. It's just good for us. And we talk about some of our decisions we are making and how Shirley would have felt or what she would have told us.

Hope everyone has a great week. It's great to hear from you again Tracy.

Love, Teresa

Comforting Words - I Feel You All the Time Shirley

"You will grieve my loss, but I have not gone. My body is beyond your reach, but my soul is touching yours. I am the one who enters your dreams. Caresses your face Hugs you. Misses you. I have not left, my spirit is with yours. I am all around you when you call. I am the gentle breeze when there is no wind. I am in the photo on the wall when you blink in disbelief. I am the song that enters your head for no reason, yet it reminds you. Don't grieve that I am gone. I am with you, beside you, in you. I will be forever."

Snow...

What in the heck is going on? It is March 27th and they are expecting a foot of snow. Are you kidding me? Well, guess who has to work all weekend now? Yeah, me. Shirley needs to have a talk with mother nature and get her straightened out. She knows I hate working on the weekends.

I hope you got a chance to listen to that song? Let me know what you thought about it?

My job (Hermes Landscaping) is donating a tree in Shirley's name to Shirley's family. We have decided to have it planted out in the cemetery that she is buried in. They are going to plant it right next to her. I had some people here help me find the perfect tree. We have decided on a Prairie Fire Crabapple. It is a beautiful tree. It will bloom deep pink flowers that almost look purple. So here when the weather will cooperate, we will get that scheduled. I will definitely be there when this tree is planted and anyone else who is interested is welcome to be there. I will post it on here when it will happen.

Please be careful this weekend in our spring blizzard and try to have an awesome weekend.

Love,

Teresa

Alan Jackson's Sad Song

Last night when I was out getting dinner, a song came on the radio from Alan Jackson. It's called Sissy's Song...Don't Worry About Me. And I have no doubt in my mind that song was written for me. After looking it up, I realize he wrote it for a lady who died who worked in his house. But I feel like he is singing to me. Please listen ...even if you don't like country music. It's a beautiful song.

Here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1eLe52EH8k I hope that works.

Love,

Teresa

Tuesday Night:)

Well, I met the girls from high school at Jose Peppers last night around 7:00 and talked nonstop until 10.00. We had a really good time. Well I did anyway. I guess I shouldn't speak for these ladies. I'm sure they are worn out after I talk that much for that long. It's amazing how fast time goes when you are enjoying yourself. I get to bring Shirley into the conversation sometimes and I love doing that. It makes me happy that they know her and can appreciate the stories. The only thing I hate is that as soon as I left the restaurant last night, the first thing I wanted to do was call Shirley and tell her everything we talked about. She would have loved it.

Hopefully some of the girls that were unable to make it last night can join us the next time.

The picture here is of Nik and Aunt Shirley. She was so awesome with my kids. I mean they talk about her all of the time and it makes me so happy. They are really good about telling me happy memories they have of her and making me laugh. I love that. I'm sure it's good for them too. Those boys spent many nights at Aunt Shirley's house and I hope they remember that forever.

It's Wednesday...closer to the weekend. Have an awesome day!!!

Teresa

Shirley would be proud of me...Kathy is

So Steve is out of town. He left yesterday and comes back tomorrow. Talk about a reality check. For some reason I think that I just take care of everything in that house. Not true. He gets the kids up and off to school in the morning, he takes care of lunch money, he gets me out of bed every morning and makes sure I am at work on time. Hmmm...I guess I don't take care of everything. But, last night I went home, made the kiddos dinner, kept them from killing each other. Everyone (except me) was in bed by 10:30. I got them all up on time, off to school and they had lunch money. Wow...look at me. I'm a big girl. Well sort of. I did not actually turn the t.v. off until about 2:30 or 3:00. Shirley would have definitely yelled at me for that. But she would have been proud of me for taking care of everything. I called Kathy this morning and she was proud of me. Oh well, let's see if we can do it again tonight.

Actually, tonight I will be eating out with some girlfriends from school again. I don't know what it is about getting together with them, but I am very excited. Mexican food tonight. So I made sure that I am getting Chinese for lunch. Kathy is meeting me at 11:30.

Today is just a cloudy, gloomy day but it's a good day. A really good day.

Smile and be happy today:)

Teresa

Fun Weekend...But Sad Day:(

Today it has been 2 months. Shirley passed away January 23rd. So that sucks. I woke up around 4:00 and realized that is what today was. She was the first thing I thought of when I woke up. I started thinking about laying on that little sofa in her hospice room and just staring at her. Not knowing if I was hoping for her to keep breathing or just to stop. So instead of laying there and continuing to cry ... I got up. I had tossed and turned and cried enough.

Now, onto happier thoughts. Saturday evening we decided to go out and celebrate Cindy's birthday. It was fun!!! We laughed, ate, drank...and of course we did a toast to Shirley. She should have been there...but since she wasn't (well physically anyway), we definitely talked about her and wished she was. Enjoy the pictures!!!!

Love, Teresa

Cindy's Birthday :)

Due to the author taking a sick day yesterday, I missed Cindy's birthday on the blog. Happy Birthday Cindy.

We will be celebrating Saturday night. More dirty dancing I am sure....

We love you!!!!

Teresa

Bracket Time

Hope everyone has their bracket filled out. I love this time of year. This time last year K.U. was on its way to winning the National Championship. Absolutely one of the most exciting things I have ever experienced. What can I say, it's not hard for me to get excited. I can remember going to bed that night so happy about that final game. And I also remember thinking that this may be the happiest I am all year. And it was. The year only got worse from that moment on.

So enjoy March Madness if you love college basketball. It's a great time of year for those of us who do.

I did get a text message from Miss Sam yesterday. They were getting ready to take a helicopter over the grand canyon. She was a little scared. I made sure she made it back safely on the ground just to make myself feel better. And then they were going to go to Las Vegas and ride the roller coaster at the top of the Stratosphere. I did tell Sam that the restaurant there is where we had dinner for Shirley's 40th birthday. Also where we realized a half a grey goose martini is all it took to get Shirley completely drunk. One of the best nights ever!!!!!

Have a great day!!!!

Teresa

Another little poem

She is Gone

You can shed tears that she is gone,

Or you can smile because she lived,

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back,

Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her

Or you can be full of the love that you shared,

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she is gone

Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on,

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back,

Or you can do what she would want:

Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Sue Met His Sister...

So I find it ironic that I lost my sister this year and Sue found his. Kathy and I took our puppies to the dog park yesterday. Now there are several dog parks in Johnson County and this is our first trip to this one. And after mistaking this other dog for mine several times and the other dog owner doing the same, we started talking. We discovered that we got our dogs at the same time from the same owner. So Sue met his sister Luna. We also discovered she got the good one. Besides being a little smaller than Sue, they were identical. They played for a little bit but then moved on to the other hundred dogs at the park.

It was a really fun afternoon. Nala is new to the dog park adventure, so she needs to adjust a little. But she will soon love it just like the other dogs.

I also made a trip to see Shirley's dear friend Dot. Dot is dealing with breast cancer right now. Shirley always said that Dot and I had so much in common. Well, the one thing we do have in common is our love of Chinese food. So I took her over some Chinese food for dinner and we talked for a good hour. She is starting to do a little better. But of course it is cancer, so it's a struggle. Please pray for our Dot to recover and feel good again.

It's spring break. Mom is picking up the kids today and they are going to spend several days with mom and dad. Can't say I am disappointed about that. Alex and Sam will be going with their dad to the Grand Canyon. We had margaritas with Tim and Bea Friday night and actually ended up at Tom's house. So I did get to see Alex for a little bit. Adorable as usual. Every time I see them, I see a glimpse of Shirley. The hair, the freckles, the smile. Sammy was at a friend's house.

Have a great day!!!!

Teresa

A Letter To Heaven

Darkness has come

I'm alone in the night

Hiding my feelings

Out of everyone's sight

Despair fills my soul

Which as a fact is quite strange

Cause inside feels empty

My feelings have changed

When you left I felt good

Like you wanted me to

I looked deep inside

And there I found you

It felt like you were here

Living in me

Giving me strength

To live life and just be

I felt honored and proud

No Way I Could Feel Bad

That I was there your last days

All the time that you had

Brave and determined

To get through this with pride

To keep the promise

That I made you as you lay there and died

Forgive me if I fall though

I know there will be bad days

Cause I loved you so much

In so many ways

As a sister and friend

And Personal Adviser

There never lived a woman

Who could have possibly been wiser

I'm so sad and confused

Like a lost little girl

I feel like an oyster

Without its precious pearl

Cause that's what you were

All shiny and bright

Who brightened each day

And chased away night

I'll never forget

And I'll always miss you

But we'll meet again

This just has to be true

Where are you?

March 11, 2008

This started on a Monday, March 10th. Actually before that. The previous week, I believe it was the previous Thursday, Shirley had a PET Scan at K.U. Medical Center. Mom, Kathy and I all went with Shirley. That next Monday Shirley got a call from her doctor saying that she needed to be seen the next afternoon. That's when I got the call from Shirley. Mom was sick and couldn't go, dad was going and would I go with her. I remember calling my husband and telling him that I had a really bad feeling about this. No way do doctors call you that quick to come in. But no matter what it was, we would take care of it. Almost all cancers have treatment, even a cure. Shirley had not been really sick, no weight loss. This had all come on so fast. So certainly we had caught it early.

I went to work on Tuesday morning a nervous wreck. I remember not getting much done and talking to co-workers and they were all assuring me that it would be fine. So I really had convinced myself of that. I left work I believe it was around 1:00...early afternoon anyway. And it really was a beautiful day. I got to KU Medwest early, about a half hour before Shirley and dad. I remember standing out on the sidewalk overlooking the highway thinking...how is this going to turn out? I also remember trying to put on my happy face and not show my fear to Shirley when she got there. Then they pulled upin dad's truck. Shirley had a nervous smile on her face. I hugged her so tight and assured her once again that everything was going to be fine. And she shook her head and agreed with me.

Looking back, I also realize how strong dad was trying to be. For his two daughters. So we went in. We were talking and laughing as usual. Pretending this was just any other appointment, when all 3 of us had this horrible feeling of dread. We sat in that waiting room forever it seemed. But they had just squeezed us in that day so we had to wait. And then the door opened, and in came this "not so nice" doctor. Shirley was sitting on the exam table, I was sitting in a chair next to her holding her hand and dad was on the other side of her. The doctor made some small talk, asking Shirley how she was feeling. And then I will never forget the serious look that came over this doctor's face. She told Shirley that she had the results from her tests and that they did not look good. They believed that she had this cancer on her liver but that was not the primary tumor. They were sure that it had origjnated in the bile duct (first time I have ever heard those words...bile duct). This cancer had spread. They found cancer in her rib, her hip bone, her spine and her lymph nodes. I remember after her saying this...I looked up at Shirley and she was starting to cry. I stood up and hugged her and dad was hugging her saying it's o.k. let's just listen to how we treat it. So we calmed down a bit and the doctor went on to say that this cancer was very advanced and that they did have chemo but it was considered only "palliative"...to help Shirley live longer and to keep her pain to a minimum. Also the first time I had heard palliative. Shirley was sobbing now and she looked at me and I will never forget as long as I live what she said. She said "It's in my bones. That will hurt and I can't take pain. You know I can't take pain". I promised her she would not be in pain. That they would do everything they could to keep her out of pain. The crying was uncontrollable really from this point on.

I do know at that point we started panicing. My poor dad. I remember standing there and hugging Shirley and my dad hugging us both. I am sure he had no idea how to comfort his daughter who was just told she was going to die. And it would be soon. The doctor sat down with Shirley and told her the chemo options that she had, and they all sounded awful. They do not even have treatment for bile duct cancer. They would be treating it as if it was Pancreatic cancer. She also told Shirley she should definitely get a second opinion. She told Shirley that she needed to get some x-rays of her bones to see how bad it was. At that point, the visit was coming to an end. The doctor looked at Shirley and asked her if she had any other questions. She did. Just one. "How long do I have" she asked. And the doctor said a year or maybe a year and a half. We all broke down again. We were in shock. The nurse came in and took Shirley down to x-ray while dad and I followed. Shirley went in to get her x-rays and left dad and I in the waiting room. I'm not sure either one of us knew what to do. Dad was comforting me and I was so glad he was there. We made a few phone calls. And then it was time to go home. I hugged her and cried some more. And then I left.

I got in my car and realized what had just happened. I called Kathy. I told her what the doctor had said and then I distinctly remember telling Kathy that Shirley was going to die. We were going to lose Shirley to this cancer. The rest of the night was spent talking to my children and husband. Playing in my head over and over what had just happened. I sat at my kitchen table and talked to people on the phone letting them know what we had heard. Telling them the most devastating news. People were in shock. I cried for 3 days straight I think. I now know what it feels like to actually be "in shock". I made up a photo album the next day of all of my pictures I had of Shirley. I think I was in mourning already. I knew she would die. I learned so much in that visit. I learned that if you are really sick, and that if you are really going to die, you will know just by looking at that doctor's face. Shirley really disliked that doctor but who can blame her. Who likes the person who has to give you that kind of news. Ironically, we did not see that doctor again until Shirley was admitted into K.U. in December. She was one of the doctors there seeing patients. I remember feeling sad Shirley had to see her again. Shirley didn't really care at that point. I still wonder if that doctor remembered us? Really, do any of the doctors remember Shirley? One day she was their patient and the next she wasn't. She was just gone.

So now ... a year later I can look back. I realize how sheltered my life was. How safe it was. How lucky I was. My family had always been safe and healthy and happy. I had my best friend with me for 40 years. And I didn't even realize it. A huge slap in the face. In a blink of an eye, it had all changed.

So today, I will cry. I will be sad that Shirley had to hear that awful news a year ago today. She never deserved to be told anything like that. To be that sad. I have never felt so helpless in my life when she was being told that news. There was not enough comfort in the world for her.

Pray for Shirley's family and friends today. Remember how much you loved her and how special she was. And I thank God for the time I had with her. And pray that I will be with her again soon.

Love,

Teresa

Infommercials

So last night was a late night. Not really that out of the ordinary for me. Could not sleep so I watched a lifetime movie with one of Shirley's favorite singers...Reba. O.K. anyway...that late at night you get infommercials. I don't normally watch them but one came on that brought back a funny story. When Shirley was in K.U. she was really, really sick. And at this point she had lost all of her beautiful hair. And we all know how much hair she had. Well one afternoon I was sitting there and it was just her and I, and she started giggling. Of course I instantly start laughing too and asked her what we were laughing about. She said she just realized that the night before she had been watching t.v. and saw a commercial for this barrette that you could put in your hair. And she was thinking about ordering it. Of course it took her until the next day to realize that she didn't have any hair to put a barrette in. And that just cracked her up. We both started laughing until we cried. And that's the commercial that came on last night, the one with the barrette. And I even thought, her hair would have looked beautiful with that barrette in it.

Tomorrow I plan on writing about the one year anniversary of one of the worst days of my life. I actually have had a lot of time to think back on how that day actually happened and everything involved. But not today. I do know that one year ago today Shirley called and asked me to go to her doctor's appointment with her because our mom had gotten the flu and was really, really sick. Dad was going to go too but asked if I would go with her. I said yes. I also assured her that everything would be fine. I had a horrible feeling all day but I was preparing myself to hear some bad news, but whatever it was we would just do what we had to do to get Shirley better. Little did I know that in a little over 24 hours, I would watch Shirley be told the worst news she could possibly hear.

But more on that tomorrow. Not a real happy day today. But we keep on going...

Love,

Teresa

The Weekend

O.K. so the pictures represent what kind of weekend I had. I was terrorized by my dog all weekend...and when I say terrorized - I mean terrorized. He is really pushing his luck. And after terrorizing me all weekend, he passed out on the couch. One picture does show him trying to take care of my sick son Nik. But I can see it in his eyes he is getting ready to attack me.

And then the picture of Sharon at poker on Saturday night. Fun!!!! She always is such an awesome host. And everyone there had a lot of fun. Teresa did not win any money but after several drinks ...as the night went on... the ladies were very nice to let me talk about my Shirley. It's so odd that a year ago we were sitting at that same table praying for mom and Shirley to have a safe trip to the Mayo Clinic.

Thanks again Sharon.

Love,

Teresa

Dr. Seuss knows what he is talking about...

A quote from Dr. Seuss...this is the way we should handle life:

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”

That was fun. :)

BINGO

Mom and I played bingo last night. Fun!!!! Mom actually got a bingo. That makes it even more fun. That is the one thing that mom and I have always enjoyed doing together. And it was nice to get out of the house for a little bit and spend some alone time with my mom.

Tomorrow night it's ladies poker at Sharon's. I can't wait. Hopefully I will come home a winner...not likely but I hope. It's been awhile since we played. I am definitely looking forward to it.

Tonight I get to babysit for a girl that I work with...Allison. Her baby's name is Abigail. I actually have a very soft spot for Miss Abigail because she was born with very pretty red hair.

So, I guess it's another work day. Mom and I talked about Shirley quite a bit last night. It felt good to do that. Of course I spent the rest of the night crying thinking about her. You have to take the good with the bad.

Hey, I am going to post my email address on here. That way I can talk to you through email and not just on the blog. Would love to hear from you. tnoland@hermeslandscaping.com

HAVE AN AWESOME DAY!!!!

Teresa

Hootie

When Shirley went to Hospice House I had a song that would just run through my head over and over. And it has nothing to do with somebody dying or having cancer. But I would just randomly sing it in her room. If you are familiar with the band Hootie and the Blowfish, the lead singer Darius Rucker has a song out now called "It Won't Be Like This For Long". It's actually an awesome song and I love all of his music. But this one phrase was just so appropriate for what poor Shirley was going through. So sick and so miserable...

And we all know how fast life is passing us by...like I told Shirley at her house before we left to go to hospice...this is only a second in time and before you know it, we will all be together.

So if you get a chance listen to the song. It's pretty good. And just keep telling yourself..."It won't be like this for long".

Love,

Teresa

Empty

That's the only way to describe the feeling. So many times a day I get this need to talk to Shirley. To tell her about my day, to ask her advice about something or just tell her about something that has happened to me. Like I have every day for most of my life. And instead of getting to talk to her, I have to just push that urge away because I don't get to talk to her. I know that I can talk to her. But it's not the same. I need her to talk back to me. I want to hear her voice sooo bad. I still have a voicemail on my phone from her and I do listen to it once in awhile. So last night was a "cry myself to sleep" night. And I went to sleep picturing her in my head. And I woke up with the puffy eyes and just in a pretty crappy mood. I am being selfish today and I want her back. I want that last year to just go away. I know that a lot of you can relate. I know Shirley talked to and helped so many people every single day of her life. That is one of the many things that made her so awesome.

Today my boss asked me what was wrong and I looked at him and told him he did not ever have to ask me what was wrong again, because the answer would always be the same. She has not even been gone 6 weeks and I think sometimes people think you should just be "over" it and move on. Well I am not and I don't plan on being "over" it any time soon. Well, at least not today.

And sometimes it's the oddest things that bring back a memory. Just now a lady at work told me her favorite kind of ice cream. And I told her my favorite was chocolate chip cookie dough. And it made me just start crying. On a visit to Springfield with mom and Shirley to go see my sick grandpa, the three of us stopped to get some ice cream. Shirley was just listing all of the different things that sounded good and what she was going to get. She definitely had a weakness for the ice cream. Well, I knew exactly what I wanted so I ordered my waffle cone with chocolate chip cookie dough. And sure enough, right behind me, she steps up and said she wanted a waffle cone with chocolate chip cookie dough. I looked back at her and said "you never once mentioned that in all of the things you listed." She said it just sounded good when I ordered it. I teased her for the rest of her life about copying off of me that day. We laughed so hard the rest of that night because of that one little incident at the ice cream shop. It was just one of those things that struck all 3 of us as being really, really funny.

Those are the things I will miss.

Love,

Teresa

President Obama's Pledge

I said I didn't have much to say, but I just read the headlines for the day. This one definitely caught my attention. It was President Obama's pledge to conquer cancer "in our time".

All I really have to say to that is ... I will believe it when I see it. I never hear anyone even speak of bile duct cancer.

Some cancer specialists say a more realistic goal is that certain cancers that are fatal today will be treated as chronic illnesses in the future. I could have dealt with Shirley having a chronic illness. I would have taken care of her forever.

A little negativity coming out so thanks for reading...Teresa

There are going to be days...

believe it or not that I don't have much to say. So today is one of those days. But I will put pictures of my really bad dog on here. He looks so cute and innocent but he is a 65 pound 7 month old baby who will knock you down in a second. I think it's almost time for doggy school.

So enjoy the pictures. Shirley was so happy when I got him. She loves golden retrievers and she had one several years ago. I tell Sue all the time about his Aunt Shirley.

Oh and of course...having lunch with Kathy today. Chinese...whoo hoo!!!!! We talked about just skipping work, eating chinese, shopping, drinking and going to the boats all day. But we just ended up at work. Oh well.

Love,

Teresa...Sue's mommy

Our First Party

Without Shirley. I was really a nervous wreck. I know some people noticed, but I think I covered pretty well. The picture is of Kelsey and her best friend Amanda. They had a great weekend together. Kelsey told me she had a great birthday. The whole family showed up and it was again...a successful family gathering. Mike brought Alex after they went to a car show. Sammy spent the night with Aunt Teresa Friday night. I love having them in my house...it is very comforting and I don't really know why.

That was pretty much the weekend. I missed Shirley a lot on Saturday but I survived. I know that she was there giggling with all of us. She would have loved the pizza.

Have a great day,

Teresa