September 14, 1966...

Happy Birthday To You...Happy Birthday To You...Happy Birthday Dear Shirley...Happy Birthday To You.

for 42 years Shirley's friends and family celebrated this wonderful birthday. That will not be what we do on the 43rd year. The 43rd year we will be filled with sadness and disbelief that she is not here to celebrate her birthday. We will look back and think to ourselves...is she really gone? So young? There is no way we would have ever guessed we would not celebrate Shirley's 43rd birthday with her. No way!

I have been dreading this day for quite some time now. Not knowing how I would feel but knowing that I was dreading it. Because it goes against everything I have ever felt on this day for as long as I can remember. For the past two weeks I should have been counting down the days for Shirley until her birthday like I do every year. And begging her to tell me what she wants or how she wants to celebrate. Helping her plan what we would all do on her birthday. Instead, I have been struggling to figure out the least painful way to get through the day.

This is what I have decided...I am going to spend this day alone. Every day, a hundred times a day, I fight sadness. I fight back tears. I fight back screaming to people around me how unfair it is that she is gone. Today...I'm not fighting. Today, I will mourn Shirley. I will allow myself to feel the sadness, the hurt, the guilt of being here with my children and she is not, the loneliness of losing my best friend. I will let all of the memories that I keep locked up to come flooding back. I will go visit Shirley. Cry for the times when I am sitting at my desk at work and can't cry, or when I am grocery shopping, or sitting with my family watching t.v., or at a family gathering and looking around and realizing she isn't there, or laying in bed at night not wanting to wake anybody, or when I am having a conversation and laughing on the outside and wanting to really just break down and cry and tell you I am really not happy. I am just doing what I am supposed to. That this is ALL fake!!!!

I will look at her pictures today, watch her videos and just feel sorry for myself.

If she was here...what would I get her? Last year Kathy and I bought her Christmas Carolers. She wanted these really bad. So, we bought them. And we were so excited to give them to her. I swear, even though I knew how sick she was, I never considered it being her last birthday with us.

So this year, would she want something purple? Would she want a big birthday breakfast? Would she want to go and get a massage? Would she take the day off of work on her birthday? Would she want to go to some antique shops or the dollar store? Would she want to go to Red Lobster for dinner and for dessert have a big plate of fudge brownies? Would she want a margarita..or her favorite bottle of wine? Would she want to go dancing ... and dance to her all time favorite song "I like that old Time Rock and Roll"? Would she want to go on the cruise that she never went on but dreamed of even when she was a little girl? or would she want to build herself her dream Victorian house? Would she watch every episode of Murder She Wrote? and sit around and eat peanut M-e-M's (not M&M's)? Would she want to play cards at mom and dad's and be with family? You see, if you knew Shirley...these were her favorite things. Well, just a few.

When Shirley hugged you, you knew she loved you. She showed her love openly and what a great feeling to know that Shirley loved you. And so many people loved her.

I miss her. More today ...more every day. I keep hoping this is just a nightmare...but it's not. It's gone on too long now.

So, if you have ever celebrated a birthday with Shirley, or even if you haven't....let your good memories come back today. And cry if you want. Or laugh.


I love you,

Teresa