Nobody wants to talk about it...

but the holidays are really going to be tough. Last year at this time...Shirley was starting to fail. We still had some hope but it was becoming obvious what was happening. Not ever losing anyone in my life this significant...I don't know how we will deal with not having her this year. This blog is a good place for me to talk about that. We are 3 weeks away from Thanksgiving and she is constantly on my mind. Especially the fact that she just will not be here for the first time in my life. Little things like not having Shirley's sweet potatoes at Thanksgiving...that hurts so much. I always would tell her to show up as early as possible so we could spend extra time together. I will say that I am not going to stop myself from crying. I hate holding that in. I hated sending out my email to invite everyone ...and her not being on that list.

How the heck am I going to get through this? I know I will...I just do not know how.

Love,

Teresa

Looking Back...

and this was not a really good time for our family. I read some of the blog from a year ago and I can see now that things were getting ready to take a devastating turn. I know that I knew this..but we were all in denial.

I would rather be there....than here.

Love,

Teresa

It's a Happy Day...

Christmas music started. It makes me feel so good. People are constantly telling me it's too early...too early to feel good? Too early for happiness? That's what Christmas brings. It's never too early. We had our little lighting ceremony last night at our house. And it was happy. There will be enough sadness this year without our Shirley. We need to bring as much happiness as we can to try to help the sadness.

This weekend was a good weekend. Friday night was spent celebrating Ms. Niki's birthday. And then we went out with the family. Crazy kids. There was a lot of laughing. I remember that. I love that we can all get together and just let loose and have fun. We were doing a lot of talking about our trip to Mexico. I am getting so excited for that. I know we could all use it. I hate that mom and dad and Kathy and Mark will not be joining us. We will have to plan another trip in the future for all of us.

Leanna made it back home safely. It was awesome having her here for the short time that we had her. Very, very, very sweet girl. I love her with all of my heart.

Saturday was Halloween...yuck. Thank God it's over.

So, let's start another busy week. I have already imagined Shirley calling me to tell me my music has started. She would always help me listen for it...She knew what made me happy.
I do that a lot. Act out in my head what would happen if she was here. I smile and cry....


Love,

Teresa

Yes, We have been running...

But only a couple of times outside this week. Two times on the treadmill. Bad dog just watches me very sad...I would much rather be outside with him...but the weather is not cooperating. And now this weekend it will be dark earlier. I'm kind of scared in the dark. I don't think bad dog will be much protection...he got scared of a big bag of leaves the other night and we could barely make it home after that. I love him...but he's kind of a big baby. And every morning he tries to talk me into staying in bed and sleeping in instead of going to work. I don't think he understands that I have to work to feed him. And yes...I am going to blame him for being late to work.

Tonight we will be going to Ms. Niki's 7th birthday party (my niece). I love her and that will be a lot of fun. After that we will be joining the family for a night out for Leanna's last night here. I'm sad she is leaving already. I have not been able to spend much time with her...:( Tonight should be fun.

And tomorrow is halloween. I really do not care about that except that I will be happy it's over. Because Sunday...I am turning on my Christmas lights. I know it's early for some people...I don't care. It makes me happy. And I will enjoy it for the next two months.

I will pray for everyone to have a safe weekend. I need you all back on Monday so that you can keep reading my blog. I mean...I am assuming that I have thousands of readers out there who care what I do on the weekend...I bet the bad dog would be angry if he could read it...

Love,

Teresa

Can You Overdose on Chinese?

I guess not. Chinese for lunch on Tuesday, Chinese for lunch on Wednesday and Chinese for dinner last night. And I am kind of craving it right now. I have a Chinese eating disorder.

Last night's dinner with my girlfriends was awesome. As usual.

I have not had a chance to get Patrick Swayze's book yet...but I did read an article about his wife. She said she knows that she will see him again soon, so she is o.k. right now. I thought...that's exactly how I feel. It's weird how in my mind...I think that all the time. I will see her again soon. I hope to get that book this weekend.

It sounds like Leanna is having fun in Kansas City. Grandma and Grandpa are wearing her out.

One short note on the bad dog...First of all...my hair brush has been missing for a few days. Found it last night....in my back yard. I walked outside with him and he was running around playing and rolling in the leaves. I go over to him to rub his tummy and he had something in his mouth. Me...thinking it's a toy...NO!!! My hairbrush. Grrrr...(he could have at least brushed his hair).

Second...a computer has a million wires coming out of the back of it. My bad dog is super smart. He picked the one wire that connects to the internet...and chewed it in half...in probably a time span of a couple of minutes. My son Nik said he let bad dog in the house...got on the computer to do homework...pulled up the internet...internet was working. He walked upstairs to get something...came back down...wire chewed in half. I could not have picked out the internet cord that fast. Again....grrrrr!!!! Why is bad dog mad at the internet?

Super busy at work... Have a super day!!!

Love,

Teresa

Update...

Had lunch with the lovely ladies... good time. As we were sitting there...I just happened to notice that we were all wearing our Shirley bracelets. I had to get a picture.

They wanted to do a contest and see if you could guess the person each hand belongs to. Good luck.

Love,

Teresa

I am excited...

for lunch and dinner. And not for the food. Although I believe they will both be Chinese ...and that is like heaven for me. I am eating lunch with Mom, Kathy, Cindy and Leanna. Yay!!!! And dinner is with my girlfriends tonight. These lunches and dinners always seem to come right when I need them. I need some hugs.

I woke up crying really hard about 3:00 this morning. And this cry was a Shirley cry. I don't know about everyone else...but there is a different cry that you have when it is for someone you have lost. I didn't know that before I lost her. But that is the cry that I woke up to at 3:00. I don't remember having any dreams...but somewhere in my sleep...she was in my thoughts. I never went back to sleep.

When I started this post and when I write other posts...if I ever write that I am excited or happy...it is immediately followed with guilt. I don't really want people to think that I am happy. That makes me feel bad. Because really I am just sad. But I think we all mask that and put on our happy face. I know that I am not alone in this. And what's weird is when I was looking at the pictures from the weekend...everyone is laughing ...but when I look at each person individually...I know behind the laughter how much sadness is there. Who could guess that one person could have that kind of impact. But you all know her...so you understand. And I am happy...but I am more sad. I am not sure if that makes any sense at all.

But thanks for reading and letting me say what I need to say.

Maybe I will get pictures at lunch...and dinner:)

Love,

Teresa