Grief...

So, like I said...I feel like I have been dealing with this better every day. There are days that I don't...but regardless. On one of my websites I get on to...there is an article from the New York Times about dealing with grief. And one sentence in this article jumped out at me. It's something I try to explain to people but just cannot put it into the right words:

“It’s as if the brain were saying, ‘Yes I’m anticipating seeing this person’ and yet ‘I am not getting to see this person,’ ” Dr. O’Connor said. “The mismatch is very painful.”

So many times I am going somewhere or doing something and my first thought is still "I wonder when Shirley will be there" or "I can't wait to see Shirley and tell her something". And then just as quickly...it changes to "She will not be there...she will never be there again". It's such a conflict of emotions in my brain and body and is very upsetting. I guess when they say it takes time...that is what takes time. For your body to break the habit of those feelings of anticipating seeing her.

Anyway...those are my deep thoughts for the day. That's really about as deep as it gets in this brain.

And in response to Miss Kristi and Paige's comment...yes you are welcome to share any stories you would like about our girlfriend Shirley. I am sure you saw your own side to Shirley that not many of us saw:) I love more than anything hearing stories or memories of her. Most of the people I am around on a daily basis did not even know her. So when I talk about her, I get the courtesy smile or laugh. Which is nice...but not the same. Everyone is welcome to share a story on here. And you can do it through the comment or feel free to email me for the login to this blog and I will be happy to give it to you and you can share it right on the front page.

This website is still 100% about Shirley and it always will be. And that is because it is my way to keep her close to me and to help me deal with my grief. And the more people who share ...the more it helps me. And if it helps anyone else, that is awesome.

Have an awesome day!!!!

Love,

Teresa

Pumpkins

Another memory...Almost every fall, especially when our kids were little kids, we would pile them all in a car and go to the pumpkin patch. It was perfect because we would do the hay rides and the kids would have so much fun together. Between the two of us...we have 5 kids. Back in the day, we did not have a vehicle that fit seven people with seven seatbelts. I am guessing this was about 10 or 11 years ago and off we went on our way to a pumpkin patch. Here's where it gets crazy...Shirley was driving. I think we had squeezed two kids into one seatbelt...I know that's wrong...but at the time we didn't have any other choice. So...back to Shirley driving. I bet you can't guess....she was speeding. My kids were probably 5, 6 and 8 at the time. Sure enough...we get stopped by the police for speeding. I promise you that when 5 and 6 year old little boys get stopped by the police...they never forget it. And mine have not ever forgotten. They teased her about that even when they became teenagers. The pumpkin patch was a success but the big story that day was us getting pulled over the police. Shirley did not get a ticket that day...and after we let out a big sigh of relief...we laughed all the way home.

I love telling those stories. It's just like I can take myself back to a time when we would sit around and laugh about those memories. I miss her laugh and how good she made me feel. But that helps when I write that story on here.

I think that may be one of the hardest things for me. Finding the right time and place to tell my Shirley stories. I want to tell them all day. It just doesn't happen. And people are really missing out. There is nothing better in the whole world than a Shirley story. Except Shirley here to tell it.

I am doing a lot better. At least I think I am. I feel like I am. So for now... that's good.

Love,

Teresa

Remembering a year ago...

So this weekend was pretty uneventful. Not much going on at the moment. Normal family stuff. I looked back at what I was doing a year ago...and man...do I wish I was there. I had written about having Sam and Alex over and how happy all of the kids were. Shirley and mom had gone to the renaissance festival. Life was good. I know there was the stress of the unknown but we were all still here and happy.

I was thinking this morning while I was driving into work how Shirley would have already had her halloween decorations up weeks ago. She had great halloween decorations. Now, they are gathering dust in the basement.

Things are calm now...too much time for thinking...Need to stay busy!!!!

:) Have a great week.

Love,

Teresa

Visitor at 2:00 in the morning...

and it wasn't Shirley. So...still having a little bit of insomnia. Sitting in my living room at 2:00 with bad dog sleeping in front of the open door. I see something out of the corner of my eye....on my porch. Right in front of bad dog. I look again...it's the biggest freaking raccoon I have ever seen. It was as big as my dog. Claws were super long and thick. I was terrified. I jump up to shut the door...bad dog still not moving. Thank God...the raccoon would have won that fight for sure. Slowly...raccoon turns and climbs up the pole and goes on top of the roof. I am stunned...no idea what to do. Of course...everyone else sound asleep.

As I am standing there with no idea what to do...and no protection from the bad dog...grrrr....down comes the raccoon. He turns and looks at me again...and then slowly saunters off.

So basically...that kept me awake for awhile longer.

Trust me...raccoons are not cute and cuddly. They are disgusting. And scary.

Weekend is here...yea!!!!! I hope everyone has a great weekend and watch out for scary raccoons.

Love,

Teresa

Dinner...

was a great time again. Teresa, Kelly, Denise, Jennifer, Linda and I all met at Johnny Carrino's last night for dinner...my high school friends. The good was good but the company was great. A couple of hours to escape... I realized as I was sitting there last night how comfortable I have become with these friends. I remember when Teresa first asked me to get together with them, how nervous I was. How lost I was without Shirley...just calling her up and asking her to go with me. Because in those situations...she was always there for me. But now...every time I leave...I find myself looking forward to the next dinner. I try to thank them for including me every time...I really hope they know how good they are for me and how much I appreciate it. They also let me talk about my grief which is obviously very good for me. And it's nice because they knew Shirley...and know how much I love her.

I feel like I am doing a lot better dealing with my grief. I have kind of turned a corner. So that is good for now. I have done a lot of thinking and I just have a really big emptiness I have to try to fill. It's great getting together with family and friends...big help. And I know that I will never fill it completely...but that is my goal. I prayed this morning about it...and I also asked Shirley for her help.

I also realized by looking back at my blog...that a year ago this week is when some of Shirley's friends started commenting on the blog. And some of them are still talking to me on here. I can't explain how good it makes to read the supportive comments. There are so many good people in the world. We need to appreciate them more.

I am really looking forward to the weekend. A couple of hours a night of sleep are just not cutting it. By Friday night I am expecting to crash.

Love,

Teresa

8 Months ago today...

Shirley passed away. I feel like on Shirley's birthday a made some progress with my grief. I have done really well since that day. I still have moments every single day I tear up. It's a lot of work to push grief away and remember happy times. But that is what I am doing. I haven't slept for 2 nights and I woke up crying...weird how my body and mind know ... even when I don't think I am thinking about it.

So today we will move forward...I am having lunch with Mom, Cindy and Kathy...Chinese of course!!!! Yea!!! And tonight I will see my girlfriends from high school. These people will help me get through this day and every day.

I did wake up to Bad Dog kissing my whole face...it doesn't get much better than that.

Love,

Teresa

FUNNY MEMORY...

I am sitting at my desk and listening to the radio. The song "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Come Off" comes on. That makes me burst out laughing. Because everyone who even remotely knew Shirley, knew she liked Tequila. So everyone would just think of Shirley when this song came on. And everytime, she would look at me and ask "why do they think that song is about me". I would crack up. Uh...because Shirley...you love Tequila and you get wild and crazy when you drink it".

Anyway...funny memory. Songs always bring back memories for me. Some sad...some happy.

Fall is arriving...leaves are falling. I love it.

Love,

Teresa