I miss this so much...

Really tired lately...

I'm sure it's from trying to recover from vacation and get back into the swing of things. It's hard. Life seems to be coming together. I have noticed lately that I enjoy coming to work more than I was.

One thing I have not been able to do is to really comfort other people. I think I am starting to get past that part. I am able to deal with my own grief enough that I can actually feel other people's pain.

I feel bad that I have not been there for my family like they have been for me. But I hope I can change that now.

All the things you read about are right. There are so many stages you go through and I guess I am just going through another one.

I'm not sleeping at night and I am feeling very worn down. But good things are happening too.

Love,

Teresa

P.S. Bad dog is the best medicine for anything that bothers you!!!!

New Phone...

for Valentine's day. Unfortunately...I lost all of my contacts:( I hate that.

It's a new touch phone and the reason I bring that up is because one of the last things I remember that just absolutely amazed me about my girl Shirley was when we finally were in hospice house, she would be allowed to push her pain pump every 5 minutes. Those first two nights I swear she would set her alarm for every 5 minutes so she could push it. I was amazed she could still do that. I offered to do it for her but she felt too bad keeping me up. I can't figure this phone out for nothing...but she was amazing at technological stuff like that.

She definitely was an amazing person.

I had Alex at my house all weekend. Makes my life happier when I have him. I got to get him valentine's candy and a card and I know Shirley would be happy with me for doing that. I love him and Sam so much.

Have a wonderful day.

Love,

Teresa

It is easy when you leave town...

to just forget the bad things that have happened to you. There are so many reminders that surround me every second of every day that Shirley is not here anymore. When I was in Mexico...I didn't have that. And I hate to say it was a relief..but emotionally it was. I could push the sadness away for just a little bit.

Now that I am back...the sleepless nights have started up again. Realizing that I am crying and I don't even know when it started...and finding myself just sitting staring into space thinking back to how much fun we had and how much I miss her friendship. That's really what I wanted to come out in my blog today. I miss her friendship. The one person I was the most comfortable with and could tell anything to. That's what I miss. She loved Teresa for Teresa...she knew me better than anyone and loved me anyway. I know a lot of people in my life say that they feel that way about me as well...and I appreciate it. But I knew 100% there was no judgment no matter what I did or how I acted. There was always undertstanding.

People have asked me what would Shirley think of me getting this tattoo. And what keeps coming to my mind is that I did not get it for her. I got it for me. Of course she would not want me to get a tattoo ... especially with her name. But she would understand why I did it. And if the situation was different...somebody else close to me had died and I did it with their name...she would think it was awesome. She may not have always approved of everything I did...but she always understood that it was me...and that made me feel good.

O.K. enough crybabying for today. I am going to dinner with my girlfriends tonight. I love that.

Have a great day and be careful in the cold...it's freezing!!!

Love,

Teresa

I am a girl....

but I don't like girlie pampering stuff. While we were in Mexico we got a massage, a manicure, a pedicure and a facial. Most women I think like this stuff. Not me. But it did come with the all inclusive package. So I did it. But do I look happy? Especially with my brother taking my picture...grrrr...

The funny thing is I couldn't help but think that this would be Shirley's absolutely favorite part of the trip. Every year on her birthday she would get a massage. She loved them. But I will be honest...I might be a wimp...because it hurt.

It was Bea's favorite part of the trip. She loved it. And I think the other women loved it too. It was just me.

I'm trying to get back into my routine. I didn't sleep good last night. She was on my mind all night.

I have gotten a lot of compliments on my tattoo. :)

Planning dinner with the girlfriends this week...I am excited. I always look foward to that.

It's cold...be careful.

Love,

Teresa

Some Pictures...

Here are a few pictures from our trip. The top one is a picture of us doing a shot of Tequila in honor of our girl Shirley. She was on my mind several times there. I couldn't help but think about what her and I would be doing together there. We took so many trips together it is just weird for her not to be there. But a great family helps you through the rough times. And they definitely did. They were so much fun.

We spent yesterday at mom and dad's for the superbowl. Laughing at the stories and pictures from the trip. Nothing like relaxing at your parents house for the day.

Life is just flying by me. Not sure if I like it or not.

Love,

Teresa

Gross....I'm back.

I knew it would go that fast too. So I really do not know why I am disappointed.

So much to tell. It was absolutely paradise. Unfortunately I took mostly video...but I did have a few pictures to put on here. The temperature was always around 80 to 85, all but about 2 days were sunny and gorgeous. The view from our window was ocean and palm trees. Free food and drinks around the clock. I realized that I definitely broke my habit of diet coke everyday..it's now beer and margaritas. Not sure that my job will approve that.

Our activites included jet skis, parasailing, submarine ride, swimming with dolphins...you name it we did it. The rooms had jacuzzis in all of them. I actually wore sun dresses and sandals for the first time in my life. And I loved it.

My favorite thing I did...get a tattoo!!!! Here is the picture:

And yes,....it's real. So in my own little way...I made sure Shirley was part of our trip. And I can't tell you how many times I have been asked..."Who is Shirley?" And that's why I did it. The other best part is I got to get a tattoo with Tommy and Cindy...awesome! Talk about bonding!!!! Here are theirs:

The first one is Cindy's and she got the cancer ribbon and the colors indicate different cancers that have affected her mother, her sister and Shirley. Tommy's is a rose with Cindy, Crystal and Brandon's name on it.

We did do a tequila shot in Shirley's name. She did love the tequila.

So, yes I am back. I missed my kids and I definitely missed the bad dog. He hasn't left my side since I got home. I don't want to leave him ever again!!!

I hope everyone is well. I missed writing on here and I appreciate the notes while I was gone.

Weigh in on the tattoo if you like...I love it!!!

Love,

Teresa