The Bracelet

So I posted on here that I got my bracelet for bile duct cancer. If anyone is interested in getting one they are actually allowing one free one per household. If you go to cholangiocarcinoma.org the first thing that comes up is information about the bracelets. I hope everyone goes to that site and gets at least one. We need to tell people about Shirley's cancer...the more people who know about it...the more money that may go to research to find a cure. You have no idea how many people ask me what my bracelet is for. I am happy to tell them. There is a message box also you can write in when requesting a bracelet. Let them know that you are ordering one because of Shirley Eichost. I have posted a lot on there for the last year so they are familiar with her name!!!!

I hope to see lots of white and green bracelets on your wrists!!!!

Teresa:)

P.S. Hey leave me a comment and let me know if you order a bracelet....would love to hear from you.

I did not want to post....

because I liked that poem being on the top of the page. It's so appropriate for every single day of my life. "We thought of you today..." I think of you every day. All day. I look at the pictures on my computer or at home and I try to remember what we were doing, what we were saying or laughing about. I have been doing that a lot lately...remembering Shirley's laugh, her goofy looks she would give me, the wonderful smile that lit up her face...or the hugs everytime we saw each other or had to leave each other.

So today is rainy and gloomy...yuck. Wish I could have stayed in bed. It's the last day of April...Summer is right around the corner. We have Jake playing baseball and our trip in July. Hopefully that will keep our summer busy and I won't think about the fact that I will be spending my whole summer without Shirley. No cookouts on her deck, no hand and foot card games with her. I did have a flashback of one thing that just made me laugh out loud this morning. The time that Shirley and Mike and Steve and I travelled to Springfield to see my grandpa before he passed. On our way back to the hotel, we stopped at the grocery store. We decided we needed a few adult beverages. So off Shirley went to find her favorite bottle of wine and I was headed for the beer. The next thing I know, here comes Shirley walking down the aisle with the biggest bottle of wine I have ever seen. I just remember bursting out laughing right in the store and not being able to stop. And poor Shirley...her side hurt and she couldn't stop laughing either. And guess what...before the night was over...that bottle of wine was gone.

Love, Teresa

We Thought of You Today

We thought of you today,
But that is nothing new
We thought of you yesterday
And will tomorrow, too.

We think of you in silence
And make no outward show.
For what it meant to lose you
Only those who love you know.

Remembering you is easy,
We do it everyday.
It's the heartache of losing you
That will never go away.

Easier Said Than Done...

She is Gone

You can shed tears that she is gone,
Or you can smile because she lived,
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what she would want: Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Flowers for Shirley

Mom just called and told me that there are purple flowers on Shirley's grave. That made me happy.

I spent some of the weekend reading through my blog from last year. I printed the whole thing out. I cried a lot. As I read it, I could see where I was trying to hard to stay positive. But I also could tell that I knew what was going to happen. As I read it, it's like I was living it all over. Even reading about the fun times we had at chemo didn't help at all. It still made me so sad. Finally, I had had enough. I was literally sobbing uncontrollably. The comments were again awesome to read. The support and love we had through that horrible journey helped so much. But in the end, it played out exactly like I knew it would. I had read way too much on the internet to be able to fool myself.

So Shirley is definitely heavy on my mind. In every thought that I have, every decision I make.

Love, Teresa

:( Has it Really Been 3 Months???

I miss you more and more every day! I pray every night that it gets better.

Love,

Teresa

Girls Night

Girls night at Longhorn Steakhouse last night. Fun!!!! Our group included Kelly, Teresa, Denise, Linda, Jennifer and Me:) We are slowly adding to our group. Next month we are meeting at Stix. Can't wait. I told these girls they are good therapy for me. They make me laugh and we have good food.

I get to talk about Shirley when I need to ... and some of the girls have been through their own bad stuff so they have good advice to give me.

Anyway, it's been kind of a slow week, just working. Hope you all are doing good and enjoying life...

Love,

Teresa

P.S.

Hey Dusty, we are going to Keystone, Colorado. We will be going July 4th to July 8th. We will be going with Steve's brother and his family. My two nieces and nephew. And this is the niece that is named after Miss Shirley...Kaitlyn Marie. We haven't really taken a nice family vacation together and I think we really need one.

We are super excited!!!!!

Saying I Love You

I have realized that when somebody gets sick and may possibly die...it is so much easier to tell them you love them. I don't really know why I am telling anyone that, but it's true. I learned so many different things...good and bad when Shirley got sick. That is definitely one of them. I guess it should never be difficult to tell somebody that you really care about that you love them, but sometimes it is. It isn't when you might lose them.

Thursday will be 3 months. I'm not sure why my mind focuses on that date...I hate it. I really hate the #23, I hate the 23rd day. Grrrr... I have never hated a number before.

Had a good weekend with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law...Joe and Kelly and their kids. We actually planned a summer trip together. We will be going to Colorado on the 4th of July. I didn't plan to be gone on the 4th but when the opportunity came up, I jumped at it. I have spent so many 4th of Julys at Shirley's house. We would grill, drink, swim at Tom and Cindy's and then watch the fireworks at Shirley's house. One of the funnest days of the year. But not this year. And I would just rather be as far away as I can.

O.K. I have rambled on long enough. For all of my family and friends..if I don't tell you enough...I love you!!! Have a wonderful, beautiful spring day!!!

Love, Teresa

Yea!!! The Tree:)

I find it really funny that my whole life Shirley called me tree and today we planted a tree in her memory...right next to her. It was really, really nice. Two of my girlfriends showed up from high school..Kelly and Teresa. They are the ones I have been having dinner with...girls night. I will never be able to really tell them how much I appreciate them being there. I could thank them every day for the rest of my life and it would not be enough. To honor Shirley that way was awesome.

Pat, a friend of Shirley's showed up also. Thanks Pat...you are awesome. You have been wonderful through this whole ordeal.

Oh and we are pretty sure Shirley was being kind of ornery this morning. We could not get one of our cameras to work at first. We had new batteries and they all worked before today. But sure enough, as soon as we went to take pictures, my camera, mom's camera and Kathy's camera all quit working. Thank God we eventually got some of them working. Shirley hated her picture being taken after she got cancer. I think she was trying to tell us something.

The tree was planted right next to Shirley. And her headstone is there now too. Those are just symbols out there and I know her real home is in heaven. But I think that little spot she has there really honors her and it is really, really beautiful. Oh and of course we had a visit from a couple of geese flying over. We are sure that was her that came to visit.

I will think about her all day today...

Love,

Teresa

Good Morning

It seems to be a good morning. I have slept pretty good the last 2 nights. I have figured out if I talk about some of the bad things that I have been remembering then I do not think about them as much when I am trying to fall asleep. What sucks is that most people do not want to hear that bad stuff, especially people who love Shirley. So I have to make sure I don't do that too much.

On Tuesday I had lunch with Kathy and Cindy. We went to a Chinese buffet. I was glad we picked that and not the two restaurants we used to go to all the time that were right on that same street. Red Lobster and Olive Garden. I did get an email from Shirley's friend Pat who said they all went to the Red Lobster. That was definitely one of Shirley's favorites.

Tomorrow morning we will be planting Shirley's tree:) I have no doubt in my mind that she would love having a tree planted for her. I hope that the weather is good and that everything goes well.

Have a wonderful day:)

Teresa

I Welcome Any Comments

I am so not offended by any comments that are put on the blog. I welcome them. I can understand the person who wrote that 3 years after her brother died from this horrible cancer she is still reading about it. I promise you I will be doing the same thing. I feel like bile duct cancer has affected every part of my life...and not in a good way. But I feel the need to still follow other people's journey who are affected and I still read their blogs. I will still look to see if any progress has been made in finding treatments. And who knows, down the road I may be able to help somebody with what we have learned.

So even if you are a stranger and we have never met...or you are somebody I love dearly...please feel free to write whatever you want on the blog. This has become a place for me to still talk about Shirley and express my feelings when I am missing her...which is every second of every day.

When I was at dinner last night, I was talking about Shirley and I started crying. My husband felt bad because I was sad. And I told him that I will talk about Shirley every single day until I die. I know it may make people a little uncomfortable or sad, but that's how we remember people we love...or it was like they were never here. So even if I am talking through tears, I will still do it.

I love all of my family and friends and...

I love you and miss you Shirley....

Love,

Teresa

Shirley's Tree:)

Hey, they are planting Shirley's tree Friday morning around 8:00 A.M. If you are interested in being there, you are welcome. I will be there and I will take a lot of pictures.

I had a lot of dreams about her last night. She knew I needed a visit.

Love,

Teresa

Busy 3 Day Weekend

Wow, back to work after 3 days off...and it's raining. I probably should have just stayed in bed. Friday was spent shopping and getting ready for Jake's birthday. And the party itself went great. Everyone showed and my house was over flowing with family. Of course there was somebody missing...and I could feel it.

And then Saturday was spent getting ready for Easter. We colored eggs at Joe and Kelly's with Niki and Jack and that was fun. But a year ago I was coloring eggs with Shirley.

Sunday we went to Kathy and Mark's for the big Easter feast. The food was perfect and her house was full of family too. But again, somebody was missing.

So that is how my weekend went...noticing that no matter how much family you have and how busy you are...Shirley was still missing. I couldn't help but think about it constantly. I tried so hard not to let it get me down or ruin the fun, but several times it became overwhelming. I walk into a room and I look for her...when I had any down time at all...I would look for her. I waited for her to walk in a room so I could hug her. I mean I could physically feel the anticipation of her coming and then the disappointment of realizing she wasn't. I am hoping this still gets better. That's what people say. I'm not seeing it yet.

And I need to respond I guess on how to get the bracelets. I hope everyone goes to the website and buys one. You go to www.cholangiocarcinoma.org and go to the "contact us" section. You will email Stacie with your name and address and I think she will help you. I hope anyway.

So we start another week. Thanks for listening:)

Teresa

My Baby is 16...

Happy Birthday Jake. We are having Jakie's 16th birthday party at my house tomorrow night. Yea!!!! He is soooo excited. He loves his birthday. When I went in to wish him a happy birthday this morning he said Alex called him at 6:00 this morning. I thought that was very sweet. He learned that from his mama. Shirley never missed one of my kids birthdays.

It will be sad tomorrow having this party without her there. And then we will have to have Easter on Sunday without her. Kathy and I have already talked about this being a difficult weekend. But we will just support each other and get through it. We have no choice. This year will just be full of holidays and events without our family being complete. Someone will be missing. She is gone. I have physical pain in my heart...like she was just ripped out. I know that my family will help ease that pain. They always do. I enjoy them so much.

I hope you all have a blessed Easter and enjoy your families. Color some eggs:)

Love to all of my family and my friends. I love you!!!

Teresa

My New Bracelet

I joined a website called Cholangiocarcinoma.org last year when Shirley was diagnosed. This website was full of information. Unfortunately that's why I always knew what was going to happen. These people who run this website are working very hard to raise money and awareness for bile duct cancer. It is such a rare cancer and needs as much attention as it can get. Well, now I have my own bracelet. They sent me one for being a member on this website. You see the yellow bracelets all of the time, well now there is one for bile duct cancer. If you want one I think you can order them off of the website. Now if people ask me about my bracelet I can tell them about this horrible cancer. Maybe people will start realizing these rare cancers need funding and research too. I hope so. Nobody wants to find a cure for a cancer that doesn't affect a lot of people. The sad thing is, we had never heard of this cancer before. So it's hard to blame anyone.

But now this will be my way of telling as many people as I can. When they admire my new jewelry.

Love, Teresa

Shirley Would Have Loved My Dog

This is the bad dog getting a bath after playing at the dog park. He decided that day he loved the mud and water. I have tried so hard to get him to go in the water and he always hated it. I guess he finally decided that maybe he is a golden retriever. And the other picture shows how spoiled he is. Rotten. I know you all see an innocent baby lying under a blankie but I see that look of "I want to attack my mama" in his eyes.

But Shirley would have loved him. He is very sweet regardless of how bad I talk about him. When I decided to get another dog after my bulldog died last year, she made me promise to get a dog with a longer lifespan. So that's how Sue came to be.

Oh and FYI...anyone looking to adopt a 7 month old golden retriever...I have one for you...see how innocent he looks in his pictures...

Have a great day!!!! Teresa

A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

I found this on a website this morning. I really loved it. Hope everyone else does too:

"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

REASON: it is usually to meet a need you have expressed, guidance through a difficult time and support, to aid you physically, emontionally or spiritually. They are there for a reason, then without any wrong doing on your part, the relationship ends. Sometime they walk away, or sometime they die. They answered the prayer you needed at the time and now it is time to move on.

SEASON: some people come into your life for a season, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh, teaching you something you have never done, but only for a season.

LIFETIME: relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. It is your job to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for letting me be part of your life, whether I was a reason, a season or a lifetime."

Love, Teresa:)

I'm Tired

I'm tired of Shirley being gone. I feel that I have been somewhat in denial. Things seem to be worse this week and I don't know what it is. I'm hoping it will pass. I have cried every day and every night. I think about her constantly. I have to physically work at not thinking about her so that I won't cry. And I hate not thinking about her. I am sure this is temporary. The biggest problem is the bad thoughts. Remembering the middle of the nights at the hospice house. I only want to remember good things and sometimes it just does not happen. I find myself in the middle of the night laying there for hours just remembering our last weeks together. And the reality sinks in that she really is gone. And I really have a hard time comprehending the fact that summer is almost here and she is not. It just does not make sense right now. I'm sure it will, just not right now.

I am looking forward to a good weekend. Tomorrow night we will spend with Tim and Bea and the rest of the family at a party they are having. I will be house cleaning getting ready for Jakie's 16th Birthday on Friday night.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Love, Teresa

Planning

So some things are being planned for the summer...birthdays, graduations...whatever. Kathy and I were talking yesterday about how it's so hard to look across the room and just not see Shirley there. But we have to keep planning and go on with everything. I just don't like it.

One of my favorite things that Shirley did...and this is kind of gross. But Kathy and I always thought it was funny to show Shirley our food in our mouth. I know...grow up. But she would always react..."gross Teresa...or gross Kathy". And then...she would show us her food. And just crack up. It was just something we have done our entire life. Those are the little things...that just will not happen anymore.

I don't like to show pictures from our chemo days but this is one of them that she was just laughing and I love it.

Thank you guys for still reading and commenting. It really helps me and I appreciate it. Knowing people out there care:)

Love,

Teresa